Kick-Ass 2

"Try to have fun. Otherwise, what's the point?"

                                                 You came to the wrong porno, friend

DIRECTOR: Jeff Wadlow

CAST: Aaron Taylor-Johnson's roid-rage, future Carrie, emo McLovin, Ace Ventura, Hot Tub Time Machine guy, a different guardian, racial "archetypes", Sid the Sloth, Turk with a lisp, the dude from the best episode of Black Mirror, a different Todd :(, Ser Jorah Mormont, Chuck Liddell, and Union fucking J...

PLOT: In the sequel to the psychotically fun Kick-Ass, the titular DIY superhero attempts to get to grips with life as a crimefighter, whilst Hit-Girl attempts to get to grips with life as a regular girl in high school. Meanwhile, Christopher Mintz-Plasse vows to get rid of all of the superheroes as his alter-ego - The Motherfucker.

When news broke that Matthew Vaughn wouldn't be directing the sequel to one of my all-time favourite films, I wept. Not literally of course - I'd already done my fair share due to the demise of Big Daddy. It seems to be a trend with the brilliant director. He makes a cracking film and then ditches the resulting franchise to start another. The X-Men franchise is comfortably in the safe hands of the proven Bryan Singer, but would the future of Kick-Ass lie in promising hands? 

Well, we were given a lifeline as Vaughn was allowed to choose his own writer/director for the project. 'Brilliant!' we were all thinking, 'surely he'd pick a terrific director - someone who he holds in high regard!' You can imagine our frustration when he chose the man whose last film before Kick-Ass 2 was Never Back Down - Jeff Wadlow.

Never fucking Back Down. 

It was important not to be too hasty, though - let's not be prejudice. Never Back Down may have had as many layers as a two-dimensional shape, but when it came to people punching each other, it was well-crafted and confident action filmmaking. Perhaps with a decent screenwriter, he could create something that could live up to Matthew Vaughn's deluded masterpiece. 

Jeff Wadlow was also named as screenwriter... shit.

And that's unfortunately where Kick-Ass 2 often falls flat. It's still got some fantastic one-liners and wickedly offensive humour - it's not often that you get to hear the word 'cunt' in Russian. But it's all of the talking in between the insults and the ass kicking that is tiresome; the exposition is flat and laboured, often repeating itself with many of the messages recited to us in Kick-Ass' first outing, and the use of voiceover even manages to outdo the predecessor when it comes to laziness. 

This runs parallel with a plot that is thin and uneven, the pacing miles off the snappy first film that managed to hit all of the right notes. This outing frequently manages to merge too many scenes into one mess, not helped by its convolution with too many characters (something that can be forgiven in the source material) and two stories that are competing for screen-time and quality - Kick-Ass' life as a superhero, Hit-Girl's life as a teenage-girl in high school.

It's definitely the latter that wins us over. This is very much Hit-Girl's show and Chloe Grace Moretz continues to take cinema by storm, often giving acting lessons to much older, more experienced actors. She's endearing and electrifying as everyone's sweary little girl, but now she's growing up she is burdened by the ever-lasting interest of bullies and being attracted to the opposite sex in high school. You're constantly egging her on to kick the shit out of everyone who crosses her in the corridors, but due to conflicting promises and needs, it doesn't come that easily to her, making her the person that we care about. She composes the emotional beats despite the fact that the film never hits the emotional heights as the first Kick-Ass which Nicolas Cage's Adam West spoof gets "owned".

The cinematography is too bright, sugar-coated and fake; looking as if it could expose its green screen behind the foreground action to reveal that the New York backdrops are, shock-horror Mr. Carrey, fake! This is probably due to the surprisingly low-budget ($2 million below the first Kick-Ass), considering the first was a successful hit. It could be argued that it's attempting to go for a comic book style, but why fix something that isn't broken? The first Kick-Ass nailed the colours, the look, the feel. This overboard fakeness highlights the two-dimensional story - deaths aren't fully felt, they're merely shrugged off as inconveniences by the time that the next scene has come around; there isn't enough repercussions when something doesn't go our heroes' way (Kick-Ass' girlfriend is conveniently dismissed earlier on, and despite how hot she is he couldn't give a shit!); and there are plot holes, such as David Lizewski (Kick-Ass) and Mindy Macready (Hit-Girl) discussing the importance of keeping their superheroic identities secret... whilst sat in the back of a taxi. 

                                       Jim Carrey being violent, whether he wants to or not 

But if you're watching this for masterful storytelling and award-winning cinematography, then you're certainly doing it wrong. The sooner you realise the quality of this piece of filmmaking isn't going to better what Matthew Vaughn can create, and you begin to relax, the better. Because I seriously doubt that anyone involved in Kick-Ass 2 gives a fuck. They don't care - the filmmaking might be well-below par, but it's almost as fun as the 2010 hit.

At a glance that still might not appear complimentary, but when you consider how much mind-blowing awesomeness and fun came with the first Kick-Ass, almost hitting the same level is still a reasonable achievement for Wadlow and company. The action is wild, over-the-top and full of gore. Despite no scenes living up to scenes from the first film, such as Hit-Girl destroying everyone via night-vision, or destroying everyone to the tune of Bad Education, it's still some of the best action and the most mental experiences you could ask for in a cinema this year.

However, despite all of the enjoyability from Aaron Taylor-Johnson's likability, Chloe Grace Moretz's charisma and Christopher Mintz-Plasse's magnificently named, gimpish supervillainy, there are some aspects that this film cannot mask. The addition of Jim Carrey's Colonel Stars and Stripes, replacing Nicolas Cage's Big Daddy as the father figure to our inexperienced heroes, is short-lived and criminally underused. He never poses the same threat or intrigue as Nicolas Cage managed in the predecessor.

And certainly worst of all, is the music. It's not bad, by any means. It's just generic at times, and lacking the quality of the soundtrack we were treated to by Vaughn. There's no Elvis, no Prodigy, no Joan Jett. We instead get Union J. It may have been used as a slightly amusing narrative tool, but that doesn't really give anyone the excuse to assault our ears with Union J. The audience's adrenaline will never rise to the glitzy heights of Kick-Ass fighting thugs with Omen blazing in the background.

However, despite all of the bad aspects, you will be sat there with a semi-insanical grin on your face as you watch the wackiness unfold. It's still got bags of energy and enthusiasm which will transfer itself to the audiences. Just try not to compare it to Kick-Ass too much, else the negatives will seem greater and you'll instead be wishing to watch the predecessor throughout the duration (as soon as I got home, I whacked it on). With talks of a third now that the comic books are being released, it's difficult to see where this franchise will go. A spin-off for Hit-Girl, by far the best character, would be the best option. Whatever happens, I'll be looking forward to it, but with a slight anxiety.   

* * * 

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Aheeeeeee!... Wait, that's not right

                            Not the police officer you want knocking on your door to deliver bad news

DIRECTOR: Declan Lowney

CAST: The shit director from Tropic Thunder, the pilot from Die Hard 2, a man who is going to be in a film that is literally called The 4th Reich, fake John Cleese, and a Geordie... 

PLOT: Alan Partridge is back, and when his Irish co-worker is fired from North Norfolk Digital after the company is taken over by a company that wants to make it fresh and new, he drinks some Guinness (presumably) and takes his fellow DJ's hostage. The only person who he will negotiate with during the siege is, you guessed it, Alan himself. What could possibly go right?

Alan Partridge is perhaps the epitome of marmite, up there with the likes of the comedy stylings of Ricky Gervais and Little Britain - his comedic style is equally loved and hated by many of the British public. But the sign of a true heavyweight of comedy is definitely the ability to split people down the middle. It's much easier to be seen as simply adequate in the eyes of many, but a lot braver to make comedy that will be die-hardedly followed by some, and sneered at by others. 

But that all contributes to make Alan Partridge one of the most celebrated characters of British comedy since his birth on radio over twenty years ago. And at the end of the day, much of the audience of Partridge's first ever big-screen outing must have already been set in stone prior to pre-production. There will be those who flock to the cinema, and those that intentionally avoid it at all costs. 

Then there's those who have little or no experience of Steve Coogan's creation, such as myself. Aside from seeing a few episodes of Alan Partridge sitcom I'm Alan Partridge years and years ago with my dad, the last series of which was made in 2002, I am no expert on the character.

However, I am an expert on comedy... or at least I like to think that I am.

                                   The Norfolk annual Fun Run advertisement paid for its typo... 

The biggest challenge for Coogan and company was to make a satisfying transfer of Alan Partridge from radio and small screens to a much larger screen. It's fair to say that not even hardcore fans of the character were screaming for an Alan Partridge film from the rooftops, and there were worries about whether the character would be able to hold your attention for 90 minutes whilst providing a narrative and tone that still resonated with earlier Partridge works, and didn't get too 'Hollywood', if you will, and stick to its largely dull Norfolk roots.

When the picture opens with establishing shots of the Norfolk area, accompanied by the music from the experimental film Koyaanisqatsi, famous for being a morbid depiction of the state of our home planet due to humanity's lack of care and unrelenting assault on the world's resources, it does just that. It might not be laugh out loud funny, but when you're sat there with a huge grin on your face it's easy to forget that it's not often that establishing shots in a film can be so fucking hilarious - a genius stroke from the director and writers.

But it doesn't waste time with establishing shots - the film jumps straight into hilarity, wasting no time with getting the narrative running and giving our eponymous intelligent idiot a brief introduction by perfectly and beautifully miming to old school tunes on his way to work at the local radio station. A long introduction isn't needed, not even for those who have never heard of Alan Partridge, you already know what you need to know - he's a dick, albeit a funny one, but still a dick. You've probably got a similar friend - when he or she is in your company and yapping on about shit you don't care about, you're thinking to yourself 'what a fucking dick, I wish you'd go away'. But when they're no longer in your presence, you kind of miss them. You know who I mean. Although, if you don't, you're probably that person.

Shit.

Long time fans will be rewarded by spotting familiar faces and receiving long-running inside jokes. But if these are wasted on you, never fear, as the rate of gags isn't per minute - it's per seconds. Where a joke may fall flat with you, it won't be long until that's forgotten about and you're folding over with laughter again. You'll be quoting for days from the gut-wrenchingly funny dialogue, discussing what would happen if Judaism and Islam combined - "Jislam", for the record; and you'll be shouting "He's got a shooter!" at your friends. Or if you're a bit more serious you'll slap a mate as an SS soldier would. 

It's fair to say that the British are well and truly owning comedy this year, and this may very well be the best that is on offer if it wasn't to do with a certain apocalyptic ice cream flavour. This is Steve Coogan at his ruddy best, widening his appeal but not losing touch with what makes him a brilliant taste for the acquired. Accompanied by a solid story, morals that are positive and get the piss taken out of, and a thin exploration of the state of the radio industry that is being strangled out of all of its independence and individuality (also thankfully taken the piss out of), this is either a brilliant big-screen swan song for Alan Partridge, or the beginning of another media platform that will receive masterfully witty, laugh-inducing assault.

* * * * 

The Wolverine

The literal man of steel

                                                     "Man of adamantium, actually"

DIRECTOR: James Mangold

CAST: A singing French ponce, a red-haired alien, Poison Ivy, and Famke Janssen's cleavage...

PLOT: After being in the midst of the United States' nuclear bombing of Japan towards the end of World War II, 'The Wolverine' (Hugh Jackman) saves a Japanese soldier from inevitable annihilation. Over 60 years later, said Japanese soldier is dying, and requests to say goodbye to 'Logan' in person. Sounds like an uplifting, tear-jerking drama, doesn't it?

Oh yeah, and there's something to do with some rich girl getting kidnapped, the Yakuza, double-crossing, etc, etc. 

Soon after watching The Wolverine, I came up with a theory about certain superheroes. Superheroes that were victimised were both the indestructible Wolverine, and the equally indestructible Superman, who made his first successful (but in my opinion, underwhelming) big screen outing in quite some time this year. And here is that theory, whether you asked for it or not...

Due to the fact that these two immensely popular superheroes are essentially immortal, the writers of their respectable(?) films build overly convoluted plots that ultimately prove to be both incoherent and very fucking annoying. Rather than simply pitch our heroes against their foes in a more straightforward fashion that we would be accustomed to in Spider-Man, Batman and Iron Man films, the writers seem to feel the need to up the ante, in a narrative sense, to trick us all into believing that our hugely powerful superheroes are in danger. 

But they're not in danger. They're in no more danger than if you were to put them up in a straight-up fight with their enemy. Previous X-Men films have gotten past this issue because Valjean had to fight other mutants such as Magneto, a being capable of controlling the metallic Logan, and thus proving to be exciting and dangerous. Even the dismal Origins managed to set Logan some tough tests, such as his near-enough equal half-brother, Victor. But when The Wolverine has to deal with mere mortal human beings, the only danger that he is in is if his head were to explode.

Unfortunately, to reiterate, in the process the plots become convoluted, incoherent and very fucking annoying; and we would all really appreciate it if Logan turned Wolverine and began to hack and slash his mortal enemy. If the narrative is this stupid and the acting this poor (with the exception of the lovely Hugh Jackman), the only sensible route would be to turn the action up to eleven and delve into pure popcorn fodder fun. The Wolverine does not take this route; instead it's all po-faced and a lack of, what superheroes should be all about - fun.

                                                               "Deshi! Deshi! Basara!"

The film opens with Logan as a POW near Nagasaki during WWII. The atomic bomb falls and the sequence turns out to be hugely impressive. Soon after, he breaks a vow to never hurt anyone again... within about three minutes. And then, building on from the trailer that didn't exactly scream enthusiasm during the marketing campaign, our angry neighbourhood mutant puts the fun back into funeral. Yep - it looked as if we were going to get a great film.

However, before long, the film began to dive into its complicated messy story, as noted. And the supporting acting prowess wasn't as strong as what we are used to in Jackman's long career as The Wolverine, missing talent such as Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, or even Liev Schreiber. The supporters are brilliant when it comes to the action scenes, a fantastic one coming on top of a bullet train, but when they mumble through a plot that is equally indiscernible you'll be fighting the urge to replay First Class in your head again in an attempt to stay entertained.

The change of scenery is a breath of fresh air but it isn't a trick that is taken advantage of to its full potential. The oriental world of Japan goes with Wolverine as much as whips goes with chains. It's nice to see cool fights in traditional Japanese houses with thundery backdrops and establishing the location through showing the neon jungle that is Tokyo for all of five seconds, but the culture isn't fully immersed into, barely cracking its shell. It's a crime that the absurd climax didn't instead take place in a location that rings of Japan, instead regrettably indulging in formulaic bullshit.

Despite all of the double-crossing and the forced twists and turns, which are predictable, if not nonsensical, it's hard to care much about what is happening on screen when people aren't being killed. Making The Wolverine a lot more vulnerable than we are previously used to is inspired, it even went a fair distance to saving this from being a complete waste of time, but with strange insects and a Poison Ivy rip-off, you'll ask 'at what cost?' Surely it could have been done in a much better way. We were promised The Wolverine movie that we deserved. But the sad truth is at the end of the day is if Origins didn't exist, this would be seen as a total failure.

P.S. Stick around for a post-credits scene that will get you more excited than the entire film that you've just watched.

* *