ParaNorman 3D

ParaNorman activity...

                                              I reacted the same way when 'Transformers 4' was announced      

 DIRECTOR: Sam Fell & Chris Butler

CAST: Viggo Mortensen's son, Some little fat ginger kid who is incidentally fat and ginger in real life, Scott Pilgrim's sister, McLovin, The Coward Robert Ford, Judd Apatow's piece, The fat man from Roseanne (not John Goodman), The fat man from Roseanne (John Goodman)

PLOT: Norman, a kid from a small, sleepy town in the US, is bullied by fellow children, and adults alike, for being the weirdo who can see and speak to dead people. But he's the only person who can save the day when a witch raises the dead to feed on the brainless townspeople's brains.

Many would argue that zombie films/TV/pop-culture are all finally becoming a bit stale, it's overdone. They might be right. After all, there's only so many times you can see stereotypical characters being munched on as conventions are mercilessly squeezed of their last drops of originality...

But I'm a zombie fan. A fan who will never get tired of seeing the old conventions and stereotypes which were etched onto metaphorical concrete plaques in the 80s and being played out over and over again. But I will admit, it is gloriously refreshing to see a twist on the classic horror genre, even if it does sometimes feel like trying to find a needle in the haystack when compared to the average crop being unleashed on bargain bins nation-wide every year. Whether it's a group of hapless Britons taking shelter in a pub and beating the shit out of a zombie barman with snooker cues to the tune of 'Don't Stop Me Now'. Whether it's an amazingly well-made TV programme which focuses on the human relationships and conflicts during an apocalypse rather than how many different ways you can dismember a 'walker'. Or whether it's Woody Harrelson fighting through hordes of the living dead to uncharacteristically find twinkies rather than pot. I will maintain that zombies still have years of life left in them yet.

So a zombie film for kids, the first of its kind if I'm not mistaken, is definitely a different take on the genre if I've ever seen one. And it doesn't stop there, no. The zombies aren't even the bad guys, the living people are! The parents, the bullies, authority - really all the brainless people in life that have somehow gained power over the open-minded and intelligent, no matter what the age. And just like in real life, there's an awful lot of them. 

The great thing about this though, despite the fact that you'll probably be sat in your local cinema surrounded by small children and their young parents (most probably teenage parents if you live in the Midlands) feeling like a creep, ParaNorman is fun for both the young and the old - despite that old marketing trick being advertised on every animated film that comes out of Hollywood. This however, deserves the title. The kids will get some frights, but don't worry, not so frightening that they'll end up literally shitting themselves. They'll also get some laughs from the occassional moment of slapstick. And some will be able to relate to Norman, not becasue their name is Cole Sear and are constantly being haunted by the dead, but because Norman is shunned, bullied and weird; and quite frankly, every young child is strange in his or her own way.

And for the adults out there - if you simply like animation (because men and women can enjoy animation damn it!) or if you're parents to youngsters being dragged to the cinema against your own will, I plead for you not to struggle. There are jokes specifically for the old'uns, a stand-out moment showing the zombie puritans being terrified by a gigantic billboard advertising gambling and showing a hot witch dressed in a skimpy outfit whilst surrounded by cash and alcohol. 

The mature viewers who remember the brilliance from zombie legend Sam Raimi and are also familiar with video nasties, 'Cannibal Apocalypse' springing to mind, will love the nods and references. The wonderful opening will be a stop-motion blast from the past for all of the 70s and 80s teenagers as a black and white video of a woman made from plasticine gets tired of waiting for a zombie to eat her.

                            Norman really didn't understand all the hype surrounding '50 Shades of grey'

Unfortunately, not all of the jokes hit the mark, barely being able to force a snigger out of its audience. The same goes for the dialogue as well. Some of it is exceptional, satirical even: "You can't shoot civillians! Only the police can shoot civillians!" But then some lines will fall flat, which even children will question: "That is the sound of not-awesome things." Erm... what?

Something that never falters though is the beautiful effects and animation. However, the use of 3D doesn't add much to the film, but luckily it doesn't detract from the beauty, as 3D so often does with animations by making the visuals darker and lifeless. Still, every character is given their own identifiable features, with their rigid and sharp facial expressions. Although, ParaNorman never reaches the heights of the best of the charming Aardman Studios or even Laika's predecessor, 'Coraline', which is both scarier and stronger when it comes to narrative and structure. And with Tim Burton's remake of his own original short 'Frankenweenie' only weeks away and the popular 'The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!' released in spring, it's already bound to have some stiff competition for best stop-motion animation of the year.

Most of the characters are well-rounded, three-dimensional and very charismatic. They steer clear of stereotypes: Mintz-Plasses' bully isn't popular (even though somebody with a voice like McLovin's couldn't possibly bully anyone. Ever.), Albrizzi's fat loser is the happiest character in cinematic history and the least obvious person turns out to be the first openly gay character to feature in a children's film. However, the same can't be said for our protagonist, Norman, who features in almost every shot. He is bland, doesn't do anything but complain and doesn't make us laugh once. Luckily for us though, his best friend steals the show and is the exact opposite of him.

Of course adults who have been alive long enough know this, and even teenagers who have ever been bullied (so 99% then) at secondary/high school. But children may enjoy the moral of the story, perhaps fill them with bravery almost, even if it is slightly misanthropic if looked into a little bit too deeply. Teaching them that it isn't the dead that should be feared, it is however the living that should be feared.

OVERVIEW: It's not perfect, but sometimes that's what makes stop-motion so lovable. Norman lacks charisma and likability, but his supporters and bullies make up for it, rounding off a stellar voice cast. I predict that 'Frankenweenie' will steal the show this year, but the gorgeously crafted 'ParaNorman' is fun for all the family. An overused tagline that it certainly deserves.

***

Total Recall (2012)

It has three tits, but it still feels like there is something missing.

                                                  'I don't recall telling you that you could leave the kitchen!'

DIRECTOR: Len Wiseman

CAST: Bullseye (try to forget), Hot vampire from 'Underworld', Hot vampire-hunter from 'Blade: Trinity', Meth dealing cancer patient, Davy Jones and Barrack Obama's face on future money

PLOT: Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) lives a mundane life - residing in a mega-city known as 'The Colony' where it rains more than the average British summer (which is strange because 'The Colony' is what we know today as 'Australia') and working in a factory all day building faceless robots only to go home to his wife, who is no other than Kate Beckinsale... yeah, I don't know what he's moaning about either. Anyway, to make this 'shitty' lifestyle a tad more interesting, he pays a visit to shady company 'Rekall' to have fake memories implanted into his brain so that he feels as if he has lived his wildest fantasy. But are the memories really fake?

Ahhh character study, something that Len Wiseman seems unable to grasp. He made two 'Underworld' films, both of which regards shallow stories and characters. And he made the fourth 'Die Hard'; well we all know 'John McClane' by now, 'let's just play up the fact that he's getting too old to be shot at and call that character development, shall we?' - (Unofficial quote by Len Wiseman). But, even though I'm criticising him, I must concede that the director sure in hell can make a fun popcorn movie. Besides, compare his work to anything from Michael Bay and all of a sudden you've got characters who are as well-thought out as people who have jumped straight out of a Woody Allen film.

I suppose that's why he chose to remake 'Total Recall', (not Woody Allen, Len Wiseman), which was coincidentally firstly adapted from a short story by Phillip K. Dick anyway. We all know the characters from the 22 year old original, so they may as well just make some awesome action scenes, shoot them in slow-motion and literally defy gravity. And they are damn right impressive to say the least.

The tracks and pans are always adventurous when the futuristic bullets are flying. And when the editor isn't having a seizure and the cuts are slowed down, that's when it becomes a real visual treat. In fact, anyone that has seen the trailer at their local cinemas are probably familiar with the short, but no less impressive sequence, which shows 'Quaid' dispose of a number of masked authority-men in the 'Rekall' building, all in one zig-zagging shot.

But when the film isn't being smothered in slow-motion, it is hindered by the poor structure, the scenes jump around too quickly, giving actors barely a second to... well, act. Sometimes it would really benefit by really slowing down, and not just so we can see people being shot in a quarter of the time that it would usually take.

Unfortunately, at times you will feel as if the action, and the exciting chase sequences which is exactly how a 'Bourne' movie set in the future would look, are the only real things going for the film. And because of the lack of character development and a weak script, you couldn't really give a fuck about 'Quaid' (now known as "Hauser") and the revolutionaries trying to overthrow Bryan Cranston's pantemime-like-villan's empire. This is also partially due to the painfully underused 'Mathias', portrayed by Bill Nighy, who incidentally doesn't look anywhere near as freakishly awesome as the mutant 'Kuato' from the original. In fact, the lack of mutants on a whole in this adaptation is disappointing, apart from the iconic three-boobed hooker, but you only get to see her cans for no longer than a split second. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

You might argue that Colin Farrell's agent is instantly more engaging than the original 'Quaid'/'Hauser', as portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger (I didn't have to Google his name to spell it correctly, I'm so proud.) This incarnation of Total Recall does instantly have the upper hand because it does actually star a man who can act, in the likable and all of a sudden hench-as-fuck form of that stereotypically violent Irish guy who all the girls like. But then again, it still doesn't star Arnie, who makes every movie that he appears in that bit more ludicrously fun, despite possessing the acting qualities of a wardrobe. A very big fucking wardrobe.

                                                  'I seem to recall you leaving the toilet seat up last night'

Despite Farrell being likable and showing reliable action chops, it is Beckinsale as his pretend-wife turned psycho-bitch agent for the 'UFB' that steals the show. She makes what is a much more serious take on the classic science-fiction tale a lot more light-hearted and fun, with her insane and dangerous smile which is still surprisingly sexy. She somehow manages to make poor lines such as 'You haven't even begun to see me try to kill you' passable, with dialogue which will otherwise make you want to stuff boiling hot nails into your ears. The action is exuberantly more exciting when she is trying to kill Farrell and Biel when compared to the faceless robots or the masked soldiers.

Oh yes, I almost forgot, what with all this interest in Kate Beckinsale's 'Lori' - Jessica Biel plays the part of 'Melina'. It's refreshing this action movie has women that can kick some serious ass, instead of just clinging onto the back of a motorcycle screaming - (yes, I'm looking at you, 'The Bourne Legacy'). But even so, she is still in Beckinsale's glorious shadow. 'Melina's' main talent seems to be explaining things to the forgetful 'Quaid' when he finally stops dashing around asking everybody who he is to finally catch a well needed breath.

The fact of the matter is though, underneath the terrific action, the wonderful effects and the astonishing look of ' The Colony' with all of it's multi-layered poverty stricken locations which would be what I imagine a 22nd century Rio De Janeiro would look like, which is obviously influenced by 'Blade Runner's' dystopian Los Angeles, there is very little heart. It packs the emotional punch of a love letter written by Anders Breivik (actually that's unfair, he might actually be a charming gentleman... shame on me). This is all highlighted by the disappointing final showdown between Farrell and Cranston, which is like watching an angry Irish man beating up a pensioner.
  
Many fans of the original expecting something similar should definitely steer clear, as apart from the story, there is very little that stays the same. It has lost the political satire which was the beating undercurrent of Paul Verhoeven's work - brilliant scripts which had humour and heart. It has lost the body horror and the ultra-violence to cater to the 21st century '12A audience'. It has lost the sense of mystery, 'Quaid' hardly questions whether what he's experiencing is real or fake, so neither do we. But most unfortunately, it has lost the iconic images. Arnold's gurning in-pain face as he is strapped up to the 'Rekall' chair will forever be burnt into our memories. There is very little that we will recall from this.  

OVERVIEW: Throughout the whole review, I've been torn as to whether this deserves two or three stars. If I did half stars, it would be two and a half, but I don't, because I'm fearless. Whilst the action is often incredible, it is not enough to put this in the same league as the original. Although, had it not been a remake of a film, which in the grand scheme of things wasn't really made all that long ago, this might have just been worthy of three stars, because there is certainly fun to be had here. But I'm a harsh bastard. Anyone who's not familiar with Total Recall at all, discover Verhoeven's first.

**

Hello Alaskans! For some reason the majority of my blog's traffic seems to be coming from Alaska, now coincidentally my new favourite place. (I'm just imagining penguins and seals using computers to access my blogs, but then people come out of nowhere and club them over the back of the head). 

To anyone who is a regular reader of Realistic Reviews, I thank you. To anyone who is a new comer, I welcome you. Alaskan or not, of course.

I enjoy writing film reviews, just in case you hadn't realised. However, I'm always looking to improve and I'm always interested as to whether or not people agree with my verdicts or *GASP* disagree. So, if you like what you're reading, any comments would be appreciated. Even if you dislike what you're reading, comments will still be appreciated, as there's nothing I enjoy more than a good film debate with a random stranger on the internet. 

Once again, I thank you, and hope to hear from some of you soon!  

The Bourne Legacy

Bourne again? Not quite...

                                          'Wait a minute... you're not the Incredible Hulk?'

DIRECTOR: Tony Gilroy

CAST: Hawkeye, James Bond's wife, neo-Nazi gang leader and Matt Damon's face on the TV

PLOT: Aaron Cross (Renner) isn't just competing with Jason Bourne in a coolest name contest, he's also competing with him to see who can fuck the most shit up for the US Secret Service. But not if the least intimidating big scary boss-man in cinematic history (Norton) has anything to do with it, as he tries to dispose of everyone in a big secret programme... which is how the blatant love interest gets involved (Weisz).

There's two problems with this film that are apparent before it has even been viewed in your mostly-empty local cinema due to those pesky London sports days. Problem number one: no Paul Greengrass. Problem number two: no Matt Damon.

For Gilroy's first attempt at directing an action film, he sure has picked a difficult trilogy to follow. A job which could prove to be almost as difficult as the one facing whichever brave soul that makes the next 'Batman' film. But in saying this, Gilroy does understand Bourne's world, created by Robert Ludlum. He should do of course, he does have writing credits for the original trilogy. Naturally, we are fooled into thinking that the franchise is in safe hands.

But sometimes it seems that he is the only person that understands this fictional (well, how fictional really is all this secrety spy stuff?) world. What, with the boring exposition being revealed as Ed Norton angrily stares at computer screens and angrily explains to other important secret people about how much shit has gone wrong; constantly jumping from one confusing tangent to the other. Quite frankly, we couldn't really couldn't give a shit, because with all of the Secret Service terminology, most of the conversations are going to go into one ear, and fly straight out the other. It's too robotic. There's no heart. There's no Jason Bourne.

When the not-quite-as-impressive-Bruce-Banner-as-Mark-Ruffalo has finally stopped explaining things, we are treated, finally, to some action sequences. But if you're expecting the sort of gritty, realistic, shaky-hand fight scenes which force you to the edge of your seat, you're going to be further disappointed. To get your fix, you're going to have to see Seth MacFarlane's 'Ted' this year instead. Seriously - I mean it.

Instead, we see capable but uninspired conventional action sequences. Very stable camera shots, nothing too adventurous and fast paced edits that fool you into thinking that you're watching a high-octane motorcycle chase, but really you're just watching close-ups of faces, wheels and other traffic driving past. Nothing worthy enough to hold a candle to the famous Mini chase scene in 'The Bourne Identity'. It would seem that 007 movies have now traded places with Bourne movies in the gritty action sequences forte. And as for the critics who claim that this is more realistic than previous Bourne's, despite the clammy CGI and the secret agent baddies who nonsensically believe that a man can run as fast a wolf, you can go to hell.

The biggest problem though, Cross never appears to be in serious danger (maybe because he's popping pills throughout the whole film), resulting in us never really caring about him as much as we did with Damon's 'Bourne'. It's no fault of Renner's, it's not a bad performance for the recent go-to action guy, the script just doesn't do him any favours. He doesn't seem as human as our Jason.

                                'We'll kiss in the sequel, it would be too conventional to do it now!'

And not forgetting the further exposition-revealer, Dr.Shearing (Rachel Weisz), who does add some much needed emotion, mainly because she's in danger (well she has to be doesn't she? She's a woman, duh!). Cross needs someone to save, because we could hardly care less about him saving himself. But the truth is, she is little more than the damsel in distress, no matter how much she knows about the all-important tabs being swallowed by Cross at the end of every single scene. 'Now, get on the back of my motorcycle and scream a bit! It makes me look cool...'

The final action sequence is absurdly anti-climatic, you'll be sat in the deserted cinema asking yourself where the real pusle-pounding ending is hiding. All because some muted random guy from Bangkok is sent after Cross, who is obviously supposed to be very dangerous, but we're not actually shown why, does not constitute as a satisfying ending to a sequel to one of the most loved action franchises ever made. Maybe Bourne has become the bane to its own success.

OVERVIEW: Jeremy Renner has stated that someday he'd like to make a Bourne film alongside Matt Damon. Matt Damon has stated that he will only ever make another Bourne film if he is directed by Paul Greengrass. I have stated that this is the only way I will be interested in any future instalments of the espionage franchise. Tony Gilroy has stated that he has sent a supposedly dangerous man from Bangkok who has no character background after me for my first negative review on this blog.

**