The Dark Knight Rises

'Oh boy, you are in for a show tonight, son!' 

                                              'I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!!!'

DIRECTOR: Christopher Nolan

CAST: John Connor (sorry for reminding you), Charles Bronson in a mask, the bitches diaries (I mean, 'princess'), Leo DiCaprio's dead wife, a young Bruce Willis, Austin Powers' FAHZA, Harry Potter's GodFAHZA and Morgan 'you're reading this in my voice' Freeman

PLOT: Eight years after Harvey Dent lost the plot and died as Two-Face in The Dark Knight, resulting in 'Bats' recieving the blame, Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) is hiding out in his manor. Crime rates are low in the city of Gotham, as everyone lives with the same bravery towards crime that was inspired by Dent, who is considered a hero. All that changes when a posh, built like a brick-shit-house, British nutcase (Tom Hardy) arrives in the city to fuck shit up - prompting the Dark Knight to rise.

As someone who likes to write reviews of films in their spare time, you could imagine my dismay of being quite speechless after seeing TDKR. Several days have passed since I sat through 164 mins of superheroic greatness, and I'm still struggling to put Christopher Nolan's latest slice of epicness into worthy words. I've came to the conclusion that no amount of words can do Nolan's Batman trilogy, quite possibly the greatest trilogy ever made (hopefully that will spark some debates), the justice that it deserves. 

Naturally, TDKR will constantly be compared to the often overlooked, but no less brilliant, Batman Begins, and the superhero film often regarded as the greatest one ever made in its genre, The Dark Knight. Comparing them is a fool's game. Each are amazing in their own rights, together, they have all contributed to making a near-perfect cinematic package. It would take a brave, brave nerd to step up and say which is the best of the three. Unfortunately, I'm a nerdy coward.

'But this is TDKR' I hear you cry! 'This isn't Batman Begins or The Dark Knight! Tell us what you thought of this, the final, instalment!' 

Well, just in case you hadn't already clocked on. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I liked it so much that if a film could have my babies, this will definitely make the shortlist (which shouldn't come as a surprise because I would gladly consider each one of Nolan's films for that prestigious honour.) 

As you may have noticed, I've dragged this introduction out for quite a distance now. That's because I'm struggling to decide where to start with my analysis. So I've decided to just dive into one of my favourite aspects of the film, and that is Hans Zimmer's glorious score - the same score that resulted in me growing a full chest of hair. Zimmer may as well have just repeatedly screamed the word 'EPIC!' at the audience for the film's duration, because that's exactly what it is. The music perfectly compliments every single scene, whether it's making you want to join in with a huge riot between the GCPD and Blackgate prisoners, or teaming-up with Michael Caine's masterful performance, beating the living shit out of your emotions.

                                              'Want to know the secret to a full head of hair?'

Arguably TDKR's biggest challenge was to improve on, or at least equal, the iconic villain portrayed by Heath Ledger - The Joker. I don't think Nolan could've come any closer. Where Hardy's Bane may not be quite as entertaining to watch, he definitely makes up for it by posing a danger the likes of Gotham has never seen before. Never has Batman been so overpowered, never has he been in so much trouble, never have we truly heard him scream in pain. This in itself makes Bane absolutely fucking terrifying. And as for the voice, all I can say is this - pay attention to what he is saying. It's not that difficult to understand him. CAN YOU HEAR ME?! If you are unfortunate enough to not understand what he is saying, well then, you're missing out on some crackingly sinister dialogue.     

As for the rest of the performances, with such a stellar cast, the film is in more than safe hands. Bale makes both a satisfying Bruce Wayne and Batman, wrapping up quite possibly the best ever portrayal of the caped crusader (sorry, Adam). Gordon-Levitt is a welcome newcomer as Commisioner Gordon's understudy, already an A-list star in the making. But a big shout out has to go out to Anne Hathaway for proving the doubters wrong by giving a brilliant performace as Catwoman/Selina Kyle. She's charasmatic, sexy, handles the action sequences confidently and did I forget to mention that she's really sexy? She almost steals the show with a hugely entertaining and intelligent scene in which she meets with John Daggett's right-hand man, Stryder, in a shady looking bar.

The film doesn't come without its nit-picky negative points though. The narrative, especially in the middle of the film, doesn't seem as tight as the films predecessors. Plus, much of the plot won't come as a massive surprise for comic book fans who were familiar with the franchise before the films - but then again, one of the posters does kind of give that particular inciting incident away. And some may even lament the running time, but it is just that good that you shouldn't give two squirts of bat-piss anyway.

OVERVIEW: I've just realised, in the time it has taken you to read this review, you could've probably watched the entire film. For that I apologise. But if you haven't seen it yet, well, then you must apologise to me. I urge anyone with a love of movies to see this film, even if you aren't a fan of the superhero genre, and/or think it has been overdone (but that opinion has been destroyed twice in this year alone), because this is cinematic brilliance. Not without it's very few minor weaknesses, but you won't notice them, because the positives outweigh them by several tonne. The action is that of an epic-scale (I'll try and stop using that word now), but one of the beautiful things about Nolan's Batman is that the films are often stronger in the more sensitive, emotional scenes. This is a more than satisying ending, an ending that I am sad has had to finally come, but an ending I am glad to see was just so damn epic (sorry!). I don't envy the poor bastard who has to reboot this.

* * * * *

Seeking a Friend For the End of the World

It's the end of the world as we know it, (and I feel fine)...

Fighting... urge.........to write... dirty euphemism!

DIRECTOR: Lorene Scafaria

CAST: The 40 year old virgin and the posh bitch from Pirates of the Caribbean (who. I. love!!! <3) 

PLOT: It's 3 weeks until the end of the world, prompting Dodge (Steve Carell) and Penny (Keira Knightley) to embark on a somewhat epic road trip in which they both attempt to tie off any loose ends in their lives full of failed romance.

It's a question which I would bet 99% of the western population has thought about - 'If you knew the world was ending, what would you do with your final days?' Whether it be score a fuck load of drugs, have lots of unprotected sex or punch everyone you've ever hated in the groin repeatedly, it's definitely fair to say that none of us would have the faintest idea what we would actually do, unless the terrible, yet inevitable situation, was to present itself.

In saying all this, one of the biggest importances to us mere humans, with our stupid emotions, seems to lie with deciding who we would want to spend our final moments with, not really caring what the activity is that you're doing with them. Come on, if you really wanted to go bungee jumping, you would've done it by now, wouldn't you?

Most people's ideal person to spend their last days with wouldn't be with Steve Carell's fantastically underplayed Dodge, which is exactly the reason why the opening is simply a brilliant, prone shot of his wife fleeing away from him as if he was rapist, whilst the camera lingers on him blankly staring out of his car window, having just heard on the radio that the end is nigh. However, despite not arguably making the most of the end of the world, you can't help but have a massive amount of respect for Dodge as he turns down sex with his obnoxious best friend's MILF of a wife and free heroin all in one night. He just gets on with it in his own sad way, refusing to play along with party guests as they all go around the table and explain to one another how they're going to spend their last days, with bland answers down the lines of eating what you want without feeling guilty. Instead he goes to work. He watches TV. He buys more cleaning product for his stereotypically Mexican cleaner...
 
That is until he meets Keira Knightley's pot smoking, quirk-riddled 'Penny' of course, who gets some cracking dialogue from a strong script; a beautful example being when she replies to Dodge's invitation into his home - 'I won't break anything if you don't rape me.' Penny would be most people's ideal friend for the end, (not because of that, you perv!), simply because she's impulsive, bubbly and a little bit weird. Ultimately, Knightley shows a surprising talent for comedy, thrusting herself head-first into the role, seemingly having alot of fun along the way as she finds chemistry with her A-list co-star from the first meeting. The unlikely duo are relied on heavily to carry a film with very minor bit-part characters ranging from a surprise meeting with Uncle Ben to an adorable dog, (because every indie flick needs a pet).

However, the film's pace slows very soon after a fun scene at a restaurant called 'Friendsie's' ('Where everyone's your friend!'), as Lorene Scafaria begins to send the friend-seeking pair to some bland destinations, such as Penny's survivalist-ex-boyfriend's house, that should deliver a lot more laughs. As Scafaria's narrative begins to get lost, so do the characters, and we are reduced to listen to tedious conversations about how much they regret the fact that they've lived better lives in their final days when compared to the rest of their insignificant lives. Luckily, the two leads are so likable, they just about keep our attention until the gut-wrenching final scenes.

The first-time director shows promise and confidence as her film follows Dodge and Penny trying to deal with global annihilation in their own screwed up way. As you'd imagine from Scafaria, the talent responsible for adapting Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, she makes damn-well sure that this film has an enjoyably kick-ass soundtrack. Songs such as The Beach Boy's 'Wouldn't It Be Nice' and The Hollies' 'The Air That I breathe' compliment the darkly comedic vibe nicely. Plus, the bittersweet ending will stick with you, it's nice to see Scafaria doesn't pussy-out of the inevitable conclusion, when so many other filmmakers would have forced a way.

OVERVIEW: If you liked 'Melancholia, well... let's just say you might not definitely like this. This is an end-of-the-world film for romantics and people who just want a friend. It might not be laugh-out-loud funny or the ultimate tearjerker, but it is overly satisfying. I was glad to spend an unconventionally upbeat end of the world with Dodge and Penny... 2012, hit me with your best shot!
 ***