The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2D 24 fps)

An unexpected masterpiece...

                                          'One Direction' looking considerably less fake...

DIRECTOR: Peter Jackson

CAST: The best one from 'The Office', Mag-fucking-neto, Morris Armitage, the previously annoying Irish actor who seems to be in EVERYTHING, Doctor Who, Queen Elizabeth I, Old Bilbo, Count Dooku, Megatron, King Kong, the cannibal from 'Sin City' and a fuck load of dwarves!

PLOT: Based on J. R. R. Tolkien's well-loved novel, 'The Hobbit', who goes by the name of 'Bilbo Baggins', has his arm twisted by a big wizard and a group of dwarves, blackmailed essentially, to join them on a big adventure to kill a dragon and reclaim the dwarves home. Poor guy.

I really don't know why people, my stupid self included, continue to doubt the undeniable genius that is Peter Jackson. 'Lord of the Ring is unfilmable!' they cried, 'King Kong shouldn't be remade, you hairy prick!' they bellowed. He not only silences the doubters, he slaps their foolish faces, the cynics have to leave the cinema with their tails between their legs. I was one of those cynics. The only difference is, I'm too much of a douche to feel like an idiot. I had a big grin on my face as I left the cinema as I recalled the images of one of the best cinematic experiences of the year.

I'm not going to get into the debate about the higher frame rate business as I saw it in good old fashioned 24 fps. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the idea of a higher frame rate. Quite the contrary actually; if I had it my way I would have seen 'The Hobbit' in IMAX 3D with the higher frame rate out of curiosity, the whole shebang - as Peter Jackson intended it to be seen. But I'm at my parents' home for Christmas, and their local cinema doesn't have IMAX or the option to see films with the higher frame rate. In fact, their local cinema only has two screens, one of which is about the size of your living room. That's right folks, my parents live in Middle-earth. I'm not complaining though, it only costs £3 to see a film there. So with that in mind, I will focus on 'The Hobbit' for what it is - a film. 

And as far as films go, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the latest holiday advertisement for Middle-earth is one of my favourite films of the year. Many thought that by adapting 'The Hobbit' into three films, which isn't that long of a novel, was a sort of cash-grab by the makers. Even though I've never read the novel, it seemed plausible. I've seen the novel on shelves, it wouldn't exactly be considered thick. But Jackson has told us all time and time again that it was a creative choice to drag the novel over three films, and long films at that. Now I've seen the first of three, I do believe that Mr. Jackson was telling the truth. It's not as if he needs the money, is it?

This is because 'The Hobbit' never gets boring. During the expositional opening sequences which are accompanied by voiceover to tell us the X Factor sob story of how the downtrodden dwarves had their home repossessed by a posh dragon, I thought that this journey was going to be overlong and make my arse ache. But once the story stopped dwelling on the past (don't get me wrong, though - it was needed to set the story) the film was an exciting tale on every level imaginable which will make you believe that you're a dwarf on the journey as well, even without the 3D - the sign of a great film and an amazing story that has stood the test of time.

                                                         'This is some good shit.'

Everything fits - the pacing is well done, it plods along nicely to get some character backstory in The Shire, but once the journey begins, the set-pieces and epic locations come and go quickly, but not so much that you feel disoriented. The action scenes are some of the best you will see all year. Everyone involved display action chops, with stand out sequences against trolls and goblins. More than once did the hairs on my arms stand up and my spine tingled in exhilaration. And the special effects do justice to the budget, making Middle-earth and its inhabitants (notably the Great Goblin) looking better than ever.

The new characters introduced to Middle-earth are all welcome. Every dwarf (apart from maybe the one with the axe stuck in his head) gets a lot to do, and has their moments to shine. Richard Armitage is the chief dwarf, and he gives a strong performance as the little hard bastard with a stiff-upper lip.

Martin Freeman is perfectly cast as the titular character (something I don't think anyone ever doubted). Freeman's uncanny blend of self-depreciation and sarcasm suits the character well to get some laughs from the adults as the dwarves will most probably garner laughs from the young.

Although, Ian McKellen, a joy to watch in every single thing he appears in, threatens to steal the show. His screen presence demands your attention. His voice echoes when he shouts orders to the dwarves, making dialogue like 'FIGHT!' and 'RUN!' seem more epic than imaginable, it's impossible not to feel strong surges of emotion. 
  
The only other character competing to be the most memorable would be, you guessed it, Andy Serkis' Gollum. He is as terrifying as ever, and Serkis once again successfuly strains to prove that performance capture is just as important as live action perfomances, and maybe even more demanding. It can't be easy to act whilst dressed in a wet suit covered in stickers. The scene where Bilbo and Gollum trade riddles is enticing and full of suspense, even though you know how it will inevitably end.

Don't be put off my the doubters. Give it a go, and if you do take a chance on the higher frame rate, and it does prove to be a shitty gimmick, just take solace in the fact that this is an amazing story told in a cinematically beautiful way. Now excuse me, while I go and revisit Middle-earth with the LOTR trilogy.

* * * * ½

Skyfall

An old bint dies... apparently the Queen's parachute failed at the Olympics Opening Ceremony.

                                       Just another addition to the long list of foreigners for James Bond to kill

DIRECTOR: Sam Mendes

CAST: The less enthralling 'Mikael Blomkvist', 'M' for morbid, the Academey's boyfriend, Volde'M'ort, amazingly hot woman #1, amazingly hot woman #2, hipster!

PLOT: 'Silva' (Bardem) breaches the MI6 on the latest installation of Internet Explorer, but it turns out that his motivations are a lot more personal than anyone expected. Someone needs to come and save the day! Enter 'Bond'... 'James Bond'. 

(Beware, SPOILERS ahead!)

Muahaha! My plan has worked perfectly! Everyone went to see this as soon as it had been released, thus reader's had no idea which reviews to read! And now all the hype is over, MY review will stand out and I will get hundreds and hundreds of views! *Maniacal laugh... maniacal laugh...*

Or people will have already made their own mind up on 'Skyfall' and not give two squirts of piss about this.

Swings and roundabouts...

Anyway, the real reasons that it has taken me almost 2 months to see 'Skyfall' is because I'm a piss poor student and couldn't afford it for ages, and I'm not really a huge 'Bond' fan. Prior to this, the only 'James Bond' film that I have truly enjoyed was the exceptional 'Casino Royale', and whereas I don't hate 'Quantum of Solace' quite as mercilessly as most, it still is a weak, humourless film with a muddled plot. So, after seeing 'Quantum', I could be forgiven for prematurely believing that 'Casino Royale' was the only 'Bond' film for me.

Now, I didn't want to get stuck explaining as to why I hate pre-Daniel Craig 'Bond' so much, but I guess I have to touch on some points in order to justify why Daniel Craig 'Bond' films are the best ever.

Firstly, I'm not the most patriotic person in Britain. I couldn't give a shit about the Olympics, national pride and all that lark. So you'll excuse me if I'm never filled with nostalgia when 'James' punches a foreign dude in the face.

Secondly, anyone who has ever played the world famous secret agent prior to Daniel Craig, is in my opinion (bracing myself for a backlash of hatred), poor. I hate everything Pierce Brosnan has ever been in, apart from 'Mars Attacks', and that's only because he loses his head. And frankly, I think Sean Connery is overrated. Any actor who cannot correctly pronounce their 'S'' isn't going to get much love from me. And there's no need to get me started on the other four.

But it's not just the actors who I can't get along with, it's also the style of classic '007' movies. Cars have never appealed to me, so I quite enjoyed the car being flipped in 'Casino Royale'. I prefer realism, so exploding pens and invisible cars have never appealed to me. And, believe it or not, racism and sexism has never appealed to me either.

No wonder why I've always preferred 'Austin Powers'.

'Skyfall' doesn't rely on any of these things. There's no reliance on cars apart from the classic Aston Martin (at least I think it was an Aston Martin, I can never be too sure). Ben Whisaw was great as 'Q' and the young actor wasn't overshadowed by a stong supporting cast (despite looking like the world's biggest hipster), his quip about exploding pens encapsulated my feelings about daft gadgets. I've always preferred the gadgets in the 'Mission: Impossible' franchise if I'm being honest.

Although, 'Bond' could still be argued as being both a little bit racist and sexist - all the villains are foreginers, but at least everything isn't blamed on the Russian's now. Plus, 'Silva' used to work for MI6 apparently, so the Brits have to take some of the blame. And yes, 'Bond... James Bond', still fucks anything with a pulse, and even at one point suggests that it may not have always been straight experiences (modernism, bitches). And where I do believe that 'Bond's' lack of empathy for the death of 'Sévérine' was ill-contrived due to the fact that only a mere two scenes before 'Bond' had fucked her in the shower, showing 'Bond' a distinct lack of humanity. But at least now he has an excuse. This is the first 'Bond' where we find out about his past, his childhood, his backstory. He can now play the orphan card and lack of parent figures in his life for his poor treatment of the opposite sex - for the first time, he has an excuse for being a prick. So now, for the first time, I have an excuse to like him without feeling like a bad person.

But away from all of the politics and correctness, 'Skyfall' is a solid film from the get-go. The pre-credit sequence is exciting, dangerous and has the Great dry British sense of humour, one of the very few good things we have produced. The opening titles are stylistically beautiful, Adele's track compliments it perfectly, and I only realised after the film that the visuals shown was actually the complete narrative. The action sequences are brilliant, and the cinematography is often amazing from Roger Deakins.

But what I was most impressed with was the outstanding supporting cast. Judi Dench is given a lot more to do as 'M'. Ralph Fiennes is a joy to watch in whatever he's in. Albert Finney was fun and he could pronounce his 'S'' with no difficulty. I'm not a big fan of Naomie Harris but she looks good, so 'who cares this is a 'Bond' film' is what I'm supposed to say.

Yet for me, Javier Bardem not only steals the show, he creates it. His introduction is sinister. His means of destruction is modern through the world of cyber-terrorism. His intentions are clear and actually realistic when compared to past 'Bond' villains. His backstory is more than interesting, I'd happily watch a whole film just about 'Silva'.

Although, I can't help but think - is 2012 the year in which all villains want to be caught?

Daniel Craig is starting to prove to me that he is a brilliant actor as well. I've always considered him hit and miss, but I hope he takes this into a run of consistency. His humour mixed with the grit works perfectly for modern day audiences.

Oh, I almost forgot what I dislike most about pre-Craig 'Bond'. The fact that you know how every single one of them is going to end. He'll never die, he'll save the day, he'll fuck a hot chick, etc. But Daniel Craig does seriously come across as the first 'James Bond' that might actually die. He's believable in the face of danger. This is the first 'Bond' film that could ever be spoilt.

I didn't exit the cinema feeling as overwhelmed as most due to the tragic finale. The reason for this is because a couple of weeks ago in one of my lectures some stupid person blurted out 'M's' demise. Although, had she kept her mouth shut, I might have been shocked along with the rest of the audience. Had the ending not being ruined for me, perhaps 'Skyfall' would have earned five stars.

If the next 50 years of 'Bond' can live up to both this, and 'Casino Royale', then maybe, just maybe, I'll start giving a toss about Aston Martin's.

* * * * ½

Looper

Bruce Willis murdering children! What's there not to like?

                                                             'Smell my finger'

DIRECTOR: Rian Johnson

CAST: Robin (TDKR SPOILER ALERT!), Bruce 'I'm too scared to insult him' Willis, Miss Piggy's receptionist, The Bible basher from 'There Will Be Blood', 'Dumb' Harry and a kid who can act more convincingly than Bruce Willis' wig!

PLOT: Explained in a fairly long montage/voiceover sequence by the effortlessly cool 'Joe' (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) - time travel is invented in 2074 and immediately outlawed. However, gansters of the future that look surprisingly similar to gangsters of the 1930s, use time travel to send people that they want dead back in the past so that 'Looper's' (essentially hitmen) can shoot them in the chest with a 'Blunderbuss' (essentially a shotgun) in a corn field. But when Joe's future-self is sent back to be killed by him, well... let's just say that shit hits the fan.

Original ideas these days are growing increasingly harder to come by. Amazing original ideas sometimes seems a thing of the past, never knowing when the next time a film is going to come out of nowhere and mind-fuck you. So you could probably imagine my excitement when the trailer started to break out on the internet, and was assaulting the senses everytime there was an advert break on the television. The futuristic sounds of 'Optimus Prime' having an orgasm (dubstep, then), combining perfectly with the action-packed goodness left me with high expectations. Those expectations were well and truly met.

Made on a $30 million budget, which in the grand scheme of things in 21st century action/science-fiction cinema is that of a shoestring; I never had any doubts that Rian Johnson wouldn't pull something both entertaining and intelligent out of the bag after seeing his slick debut feature 'Brick' a number of years ago. And just like in 'Brick', the style really shines through, accompanying the action perfectly with eye-widening cinematography and slow-motion shots that would make Zack Snyder cream his pants.

                                           Using The Force won't stop 'Disney' from buying 'Star Wars', Bruce.

The casting could not have been any better for this film. If Gordon-Levitt wasn't in the Hollywood A-list before Looper, well he's certainly been catapulted into it head-first now, and will most probably be the go-to guy for action films for the forseeable future. Bruce Willis, already a proven go-to guy, but hasn't always shown it lately, has reminded us that he is a bad-ass that shouldn't be fucked with. But there's no point trying to decide who is best out of the two, as they both play the same character and have infallible resemblance to one another. Whoever was in charge of making JG-L look like Willis deserves an awful lot of credit. Whoever made his wig however, deserves a comedy award. (Coincidentally, whoever made his wig simply ran over a squirrel and painted it black.)

The supporting cast is solid as well. Emily Blunt makes a good tired mother of her secret-holding crazy son who I thought was the kid from 'Big Momma's House 2' (don't worry, luckily for his sake, he wasn't.) It's also nice to see that Jeff Daniels can still be relevant if given the right opportunity as the sinister boss of the Looper's. And Paul Dano and Noah Segan round off a strong cast who are all a joy to watch, with fantastic dialogue and deep character development.

OVERVIEW: This is an exciting, entertaining, stylish and intelligent science-fiction which is up there with the likes of the 21st century cream of the crop; 'Moon', 'Source Code', 'District 9' and 'Children of Men'. I can't wait to see what both JG-L and Rian Johnson do next - either individually, or hopefully once again, in collaboration with each other. 

* * * * *

ParaNorman 3D

ParaNorman activity...

                                              I reacted the same way when 'Transformers 4' was announced      

 DIRECTOR: Sam Fell & Chris Butler

CAST: Viggo Mortensen's son, Some little fat ginger kid who is incidentally fat and ginger in real life, Scott Pilgrim's sister, McLovin, The Coward Robert Ford, Judd Apatow's piece, The fat man from Roseanne (not John Goodman), The fat man from Roseanne (John Goodman)

PLOT: Norman, a kid from a small, sleepy town in the US, is bullied by fellow children, and adults alike, for being the weirdo who can see and speak to dead people. But he's the only person who can save the day when a witch raises the dead to feed on the brainless townspeople's brains.

Many would argue that zombie films/TV/pop-culture are all finally becoming a bit stale, it's overdone. They might be right. After all, there's only so many times you can see stereotypical characters being munched on as conventions are mercilessly squeezed of their last drops of originality...

But I'm a zombie fan. A fan who will never get tired of seeing the old conventions and stereotypes which were etched onto metaphorical concrete plaques in the 80s and being played out over and over again. But I will admit, it is gloriously refreshing to see a twist on the classic horror genre, even if it does sometimes feel like trying to find a needle in the haystack when compared to the average crop being unleashed on bargain bins nation-wide every year. Whether it's a group of hapless Britons taking shelter in a pub and beating the shit out of a zombie barman with snooker cues to the tune of 'Don't Stop Me Now'. Whether it's an amazingly well-made TV programme which focuses on the human relationships and conflicts during an apocalypse rather than how many different ways you can dismember a 'walker'. Or whether it's Woody Harrelson fighting through hordes of the living dead to uncharacteristically find twinkies rather than pot. I will maintain that zombies still have years of life left in them yet.

So a zombie film for kids, the first of its kind if I'm not mistaken, is definitely a different take on the genre if I've ever seen one. And it doesn't stop there, no. The zombies aren't even the bad guys, the living people are! The parents, the bullies, authority - really all the brainless people in life that have somehow gained power over the open-minded and intelligent, no matter what the age. And just like in real life, there's an awful lot of them. 

The great thing about this though, despite the fact that you'll probably be sat in your local cinema surrounded by small children and their young parents (most probably teenage parents if you live in the Midlands) feeling like a creep, ParaNorman is fun for both the young and the old - despite that old marketing trick being advertised on every animated film that comes out of Hollywood. This however, deserves the title. The kids will get some frights, but don't worry, not so frightening that they'll end up literally shitting themselves. They'll also get some laughs from the occassional moment of slapstick. And some will be able to relate to Norman, not becasue their name is Cole Sear and are constantly being haunted by the dead, but because Norman is shunned, bullied and weird; and quite frankly, every young child is strange in his or her own way.

And for the adults out there - if you simply like animation (because men and women can enjoy animation damn it!) or if you're parents to youngsters being dragged to the cinema against your own will, I plead for you not to struggle. There are jokes specifically for the old'uns, a stand-out moment showing the zombie puritans being terrified by a gigantic billboard advertising gambling and showing a hot witch dressed in a skimpy outfit whilst surrounded by cash and alcohol. 

The mature viewers who remember the brilliance from zombie legend Sam Raimi and are also familiar with video nasties, 'Cannibal Apocalypse' springing to mind, will love the nods and references. The wonderful opening will be a stop-motion blast from the past for all of the 70s and 80s teenagers as a black and white video of a woman made from plasticine gets tired of waiting for a zombie to eat her.

                            Norman really didn't understand all the hype surrounding '50 Shades of grey'

Unfortunately, not all of the jokes hit the mark, barely being able to force a snigger out of its audience. The same goes for the dialogue as well. Some of it is exceptional, satirical even: "You can't shoot civillians! Only the police can shoot civillians!" But then some lines will fall flat, which even children will question: "That is the sound of not-awesome things." Erm... what?

Something that never falters though is the beautiful effects and animation. However, the use of 3D doesn't add much to the film, but luckily it doesn't detract from the beauty, as 3D so often does with animations by making the visuals darker and lifeless. Still, every character is given their own identifiable features, with their rigid and sharp facial expressions. Although, ParaNorman never reaches the heights of the best of the charming Aardman Studios or even Laika's predecessor, 'Coraline', which is both scarier and stronger when it comes to narrative and structure. And with Tim Burton's remake of his own original short 'Frankenweenie' only weeks away and the popular 'The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!' released in spring, it's already bound to have some stiff competition for best stop-motion animation of the year.

Most of the characters are well-rounded, three-dimensional and very charismatic. They steer clear of stereotypes: Mintz-Plasses' bully isn't popular (even though somebody with a voice like McLovin's couldn't possibly bully anyone. Ever.), Albrizzi's fat loser is the happiest character in cinematic history and the least obvious person turns out to be the first openly gay character to feature in a children's film. However, the same can't be said for our protagonist, Norman, who features in almost every shot. He is bland, doesn't do anything but complain and doesn't make us laugh once. Luckily for us though, his best friend steals the show and is the exact opposite of him.

Of course adults who have been alive long enough know this, and even teenagers who have ever been bullied (so 99% then) at secondary/high school. But children may enjoy the moral of the story, perhaps fill them with bravery almost, even if it is slightly misanthropic if looked into a little bit too deeply. Teaching them that it isn't the dead that should be feared, it is however the living that should be feared.

OVERVIEW: It's not perfect, but sometimes that's what makes stop-motion so lovable. Norman lacks charisma and likability, but his supporters and bullies make up for it, rounding off a stellar voice cast. I predict that 'Frankenweenie' will steal the show this year, but the gorgeously crafted 'ParaNorman' is fun for all the family. An overused tagline that it certainly deserves.

***

Total Recall (2012)

It has three tits, but it still feels like there is something missing.

                                                  'I don't recall telling you that you could leave the kitchen!'

DIRECTOR: Len Wiseman

CAST: Bullseye (try to forget), Hot vampire from 'Underworld', Hot vampire-hunter from 'Blade: Trinity', Meth dealing cancer patient, Davy Jones and Barrack Obama's face on future money

PLOT: Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) lives a mundane life - residing in a mega-city known as 'The Colony' where it rains more than the average British summer (which is strange because 'The Colony' is what we know today as 'Australia') and working in a factory all day building faceless robots only to go home to his wife, who is no other than Kate Beckinsale... yeah, I don't know what he's moaning about either. Anyway, to make this 'shitty' lifestyle a tad more interesting, he pays a visit to shady company 'Rekall' to have fake memories implanted into his brain so that he feels as if he has lived his wildest fantasy. But are the memories really fake?

Ahhh character study, something that Len Wiseman seems unable to grasp. He made two 'Underworld' films, both of which regards shallow stories and characters. And he made the fourth 'Die Hard'; well we all know 'John McClane' by now, 'let's just play up the fact that he's getting too old to be shot at and call that character development, shall we?' - (Unofficial quote by Len Wiseman). But, even though I'm criticising him, I must concede that the director sure in hell can make a fun popcorn movie. Besides, compare his work to anything from Michael Bay and all of a sudden you've got characters who are as well-thought out as people who have jumped straight out of a Woody Allen film.

I suppose that's why he chose to remake 'Total Recall', (not Woody Allen, Len Wiseman), which was coincidentally firstly adapted from a short story by Phillip K. Dick anyway. We all know the characters from the 22 year old original, so they may as well just make some awesome action scenes, shoot them in slow-motion and literally defy gravity. And they are damn right impressive to say the least.

The tracks and pans are always adventurous when the futuristic bullets are flying. And when the editor isn't having a seizure and the cuts are slowed down, that's when it becomes a real visual treat. In fact, anyone that has seen the trailer at their local cinemas are probably familiar with the short, but no less impressive sequence, which shows 'Quaid' dispose of a number of masked authority-men in the 'Rekall' building, all in one zig-zagging shot.

But when the film isn't being smothered in slow-motion, it is hindered by the poor structure, the scenes jump around too quickly, giving actors barely a second to... well, act. Sometimes it would really benefit by really slowing down, and not just so we can see people being shot in a quarter of the time that it would usually take.

Unfortunately, at times you will feel as if the action, and the exciting chase sequences which is exactly how a 'Bourne' movie set in the future would look, are the only real things going for the film. And because of the lack of character development and a weak script, you couldn't really give a fuck about 'Quaid' (now known as "Hauser") and the revolutionaries trying to overthrow Bryan Cranston's pantemime-like-villan's empire. This is also partially due to the painfully underused 'Mathias', portrayed by Bill Nighy, who incidentally doesn't look anywhere near as freakishly awesome as the mutant 'Kuato' from the original. In fact, the lack of mutants on a whole in this adaptation is disappointing, apart from the iconic three-boobed hooker, but you only get to see her cans for no longer than a split second. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

You might argue that Colin Farrell's agent is instantly more engaging than the original 'Quaid'/'Hauser', as portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger (I didn't have to Google his name to spell it correctly, I'm so proud.) This incarnation of Total Recall does instantly have the upper hand because it does actually star a man who can act, in the likable and all of a sudden hench-as-fuck form of that stereotypically violent Irish guy who all the girls like. But then again, it still doesn't star Arnie, who makes every movie that he appears in that bit more ludicrously fun, despite possessing the acting qualities of a wardrobe. A very big fucking wardrobe.

                                                  'I seem to recall you leaving the toilet seat up last night'

Despite Farrell being likable and showing reliable action chops, it is Beckinsale as his pretend-wife turned psycho-bitch agent for the 'UFB' that steals the show. She makes what is a much more serious take on the classic science-fiction tale a lot more light-hearted and fun, with her insane and dangerous smile which is still surprisingly sexy. She somehow manages to make poor lines such as 'You haven't even begun to see me try to kill you' passable, with dialogue which will otherwise make you want to stuff boiling hot nails into your ears. The action is exuberantly more exciting when she is trying to kill Farrell and Biel when compared to the faceless robots or the masked soldiers.

Oh yes, I almost forgot, what with all this interest in Kate Beckinsale's 'Lori' - Jessica Biel plays the part of 'Melina'. It's refreshing this action movie has women that can kick some serious ass, instead of just clinging onto the back of a motorcycle screaming - (yes, I'm looking at you, 'The Bourne Legacy'). But even so, she is still in Beckinsale's glorious shadow. 'Melina's' main talent seems to be explaining things to the forgetful 'Quaid' when he finally stops dashing around asking everybody who he is to finally catch a well needed breath.

The fact of the matter is though, underneath the terrific action, the wonderful effects and the astonishing look of ' The Colony' with all of it's multi-layered poverty stricken locations which would be what I imagine a 22nd century Rio De Janeiro would look like, which is obviously influenced by 'Blade Runner's' dystopian Los Angeles, there is very little heart. It packs the emotional punch of a love letter written by Anders Breivik (actually that's unfair, he might actually be a charming gentleman... shame on me). This is all highlighted by the disappointing final showdown between Farrell and Cranston, which is like watching an angry Irish man beating up a pensioner.
  
Many fans of the original expecting something similar should definitely steer clear, as apart from the story, there is very little that stays the same. It has lost the political satire which was the beating undercurrent of Paul Verhoeven's work - brilliant scripts which had humour and heart. It has lost the body horror and the ultra-violence to cater to the 21st century '12A audience'. It has lost the sense of mystery, 'Quaid' hardly questions whether what he's experiencing is real or fake, so neither do we. But most unfortunately, it has lost the iconic images. Arnold's gurning in-pain face as he is strapped up to the 'Rekall' chair will forever be burnt into our memories. There is very little that we will recall from this.  

OVERVIEW: Throughout the whole review, I've been torn as to whether this deserves two or three stars. If I did half stars, it would be two and a half, but I don't, because I'm fearless. Whilst the action is often incredible, it is not enough to put this in the same league as the original. Although, had it not been a remake of a film, which in the grand scheme of things wasn't really made all that long ago, this might have just been worthy of three stars, because there is certainly fun to be had here. But I'm a harsh bastard. Anyone who's not familiar with Total Recall at all, discover Verhoeven's first.

**

Hello Alaskans! For some reason the majority of my blog's traffic seems to be coming from Alaska, now coincidentally my new favourite place. (I'm just imagining penguins and seals using computers to access my blogs, but then people come out of nowhere and club them over the back of the head). 

To anyone who is a regular reader of Realistic Reviews, I thank you. To anyone who is a new comer, I welcome you. Alaskan or not, of course.

I enjoy writing film reviews, just in case you hadn't realised. However, I'm always looking to improve and I'm always interested as to whether or not people agree with my verdicts or *GASP* disagree. So, if you like what you're reading, any comments would be appreciated. Even if you dislike what you're reading, comments will still be appreciated, as there's nothing I enjoy more than a good film debate with a random stranger on the internet. 

Once again, I thank you, and hope to hear from some of you soon!  

The Bourne Legacy

Bourne again? Not quite...

                                          'Wait a minute... you're not the Incredible Hulk?'

DIRECTOR: Tony Gilroy

CAST: Hawkeye, James Bond's wife, neo-Nazi gang leader and Matt Damon's face on the TV

PLOT: Aaron Cross (Renner) isn't just competing with Jason Bourne in a coolest name contest, he's also competing with him to see who can fuck the most shit up for the US Secret Service. But not if the least intimidating big scary boss-man in cinematic history (Norton) has anything to do with it, as he tries to dispose of everyone in a big secret programme... which is how the blatant love interest gets involved (Weisz).

There's two problems with this film that are apparent before it has even been viewed in your mostly-empty local cinema due to those pesky London sports days. Problem number one: no Paul Greengrass. Problem number two: no Matt Damon.

For Gilroy's first attempt at directing an action film, he sure has picked a difficult trilogy to follow. A job which could prove to be almost as difficult as the one facing whichever brave soul that makes the next 'Batman' film. But in saying this, Gilroy does understand Bourne's world, created by Robert Ludlum. He should do of course, he does have writing credits for the original trilogy. Naturally, we are fooled into thinking that the franchise is in safe hands.

But sometimes it seems that he is the only person that understands this fictional (well, how fictional really is all this secrety spy stuff?) world. What, with the boring exposition being revealed as Ed Norton angrily stares at computer screens and angrily explains to other important secret people about how much shit has gone wrong; constantly jumping from one confusing tangent to the other. Quite frankly, we couldn't really couldn't give a shit, because with all of the Secret Service terminology, most of the conversations are going to go into one ear, and fly straight out the other. It's too robotic. There's no heart. There's no Jason Bourne.

When the not-quite-as-impressive-Bruce-Banner-as-Mark-Ruffalo has finally stopped explaining things, we are treated, finally, to some action sequences. But if you're expecting the sort of gritty, realistic, shaky-hand fight scenes which force you to the edge of your seat, you're going to be further disappointed. To get your fix, you're going to have to see Seth MacFarlane's 'Ted' this year instead. Seriously - I mean it.

Instead, we see capable but uninspired conventional action sequences. Very stable camera shots, nothing too adventurous and fast paced edits that fool you into thinking that you're watching a high-octane motorcycle chase, but really you're just watching close-ups of faces, wheels and other traffic driving past. Nothing worthy enough to hold a candle to the famous Mini chase scene in 'The Bourne Identity'. It would seem that 007 movies have now traded places with Bourne movies in the gritty action sequences forte. And as for the critics who claim that this is more realistic than previous Bourne's, despite the clammy CGI and the secret agent baddies who nonsensically believe that a man can run as fast a wolf, you can go to hell.

The biggest problem though, Cross never appears to be in serious danger (maybe because he's popping pills throughout the whole film), resulting in us never really caring about him as much as we did with Damon's 'Bourne'. It's no fault of Renner's, it's not a bad performance for the recent go-to action guy, the script just doesn't do him any favours. He doesn't seem as human as our Jason.

                                'We'll kiss in the sequel, it would be too conventional to do it now!'

And not forgetting the further exposition-revealer, Dr.Shearing (Rachel Weisz), who does add some much needed emotion, mainly because she's in danger (well she has to be doesn't she? She's a woman, duh!). Cross needs someone to save, because we could hardly care less about him saving himself. But the truth is, she is little more than the damsel in distress, no matter how much she knows about the all-important tabs being swallowed by Cross at the end of every single scene. 'Now, get on the back of my motorcycle and scream a bit! It makes me look cool...'

The final action sequence is absurdly anti-climatic, you'll be sat in the deserted cinema asking yourself where the real pusle-pounding ending is hiding. All because some muted random guy from Bangkok is sent after Cross, who is obviously supposed to be very dangerous, but we're not actually shown why, does not constitute as a satisfying ending to a sequel to one of the most loved action franchises ever made. Maybe Bourne has become the bane to its own success.

OVERVIEW: Jeremy Renner has stated that someday he'd like to make a Bourne film alongside Matt Damon. Matt Damon has stated that he will only ever make another Bourne film if he is directed by Paul Greengrass. I have stated that this is the only way I will be interested in any future instalments of the espionage franchise. Tony Gilroy has stated that he has sent a supposedly dangerous man from Bangkok who has no character background after me for my first negative review on this blog.

**

The Expendables 2

The funniest film of the year!

                                                     'My dad's bigger than your dad!'

DIRECTOR: Simon West

CAST: Rambo's face melting, Monk, 'Dragoooooooo!', Coors Light's marketing bitch, Joseph Gordon-Levitt in the future, 'Buffy the white girl slayer', maid-loving Terminator, cauliflower ears, 'philanthropist' Norris - really?, some random Chinese woman, 'philanthropist' Li - since when did all these violent bastards become peaceful?! and Thor's little brother (not Loki)...

PLOT: It's the second mission for the gun-toting OAP's known as The Expendables, this time they're beating the shit out of the Chinese for the first act, and then a bunch of Eastern-Europeans for the rest of the film who are led by a very tired looking JCVD who's just nicked an unrealistic amount of plutonium.

Unneccessarily violent, guns bigger than your car, testosterone poisoning, a little bit racist and slightly sexist - who else but The Expendables? A group of mercenaries who are almost as responsible as 'Team America' when it comes to travelling the world to destroy exotic, foreign locations in the name of the west. But despite all of this, the 80s styled 'gung-ho!' action-packed cheese-fest is a whole lot of nonsensical fun!

Anyone who wants a 50 caliber blast from the past is in for a treat. The ancient ensemble cast might be moving a bit slower than they used to, but that doesn't detract from the entertainment, quite the opposite actually, as the action-heroes delightfully take the barely living piss out of themselves in light-hearted self-depreciating humour.

As far as the cast goes, action fans can't ask really ask for anything more. Anyone who liked the first film will be pleased to see that both Schwarzenegger and Willis are given a lot more screen time than one scene, they actually get to shoot something in this installment! Unfortunately Jet Li isn't used as much, leaving the film after about twenty minutes for some stupid reason (a reason probably to be revealed in the inevitable third outing). Also, the strange bromance between Stallone and Statham is starting to get a bit old, what with them constantly threatening to shoot or stab one another - I wish they'd just fight already!

As for the newcomers, it seems as Hemsworth has been inducted to the team to add some emotional force to the 'acting' talents, but that falls flat on its face, perhaps he's the less-talented sibling then? In fact, the biggest problem for The Expendables is when they try to make us feel. If they wanted to keep some acting talent within the vicinity, then they should have managed to get pretty-boy Mickey Rourke back for more. With no due respect, none of them can act. Well, not in this film anyway. Besides, that's not what audiences have paid to see! I paid to see how many different ways these steroid abused men can kill people.

                                             JCVD really wanted his cocaine- erm, I mean, Coors Light back...

And for all you female viewers out there, never fear, as a lady has joined the party. Yu Nan, a Chinese actress, has been added to the line-up to bring some woman bad-assery. She might be a good shot, although the only thing that tends to stick with you afterwards is that she has some creepy flirtation with Sly going on, despite him being over double her age. Oh, and how could I forget! She stops some Albanian women from shooting the mercenaries, despite them not being able to hit a cows arse with a banjo - told you it was slightly sexist. So, just in case you hadn't noticed, THIS IS NOT FOR GIRLS! I joke of course, but they don't...

Though the best new edition is arguably the 72 year old Norris, who get's into the self-referncing spirit of things by reciting an exclusive 'Chuck Norris Fact'. I won't spoil it for you, because it is quite possibly one of the funniest tongue-in-cheek entrances to an ensemble cast ever. The giant Swede, Lundgren, seems to be competing with him to see who can be the worst actor, and consequently, the funniest character, by 'chatting up' Nan or pretending to be a genius in chemistry. Rather cute, actually.
 
The film on a whole fails when it tries to take itself seriously. But when it's in full-flow, with it's dated, but still kind of cool soundtrack, cheese-smothered dialogue: 'I now pronounce you man and knife' and postmodern theme running all the way through, with references to both Rambo and The Terminator, it's difficult not to have a great time. Just try to ignore the direlogue that sometimes falls flat on its face, for example, Sly claims that Statham's ego is the 'size of a dinosaur' - yeah, you heard that correctly. Plus the editing can sometimes be disorientating and the cinematography at times sloppy. But The Expendables aren't looking for perfection. It seems that they just want to be remembered. And fondly remembered they will be.

OVERVIEW: If you've entered the cinema with your brain turned on, then you're doing it wrong. Instead, enter with low expectations, and if you're not an idiot, at least try to be one for the next 103 minutes. That way, there's a fair chance you could actually enjoy yourself. It won't be winning any Academy Awards, but I wouldn't rule it out for any comedy awards, because this film is not just exciting, it's also utterly hilarious. It might not be the best action film of the year so far either (that title goes to 'The Raid'), but The Expendables 2 works best when it isn't taking itself seriously - which thankfully, is most of the time. Most of these men can't keep it up for much longer, so enjoy it while it lasts.

***   

Ted

Beary funny... sorry.

                                     Pedobear looking frighteningly more realistic than usual
  
DIRECTOR: Seth MacFarlane
 
CAST: Marky Mark, Peter Griffin, Meg Griffin, Hollywood's 226th Scientologist, a gay Joe Swanson

PLOT: A loner child in 'BAWSTON' wishes for his teddy bear to come to life. The only problem is, Johnny (Mark Wahlberg) has to grow up, and so does apparently, his new best friend. Soon enough, Johnny has to choose between his sweary, pot smoking, whore loving bear or a crazily-hot girlfriend who wants a ring on her finger (Mila Kunis).

From reading the above plot, there shouldn't be any question - a teddy bear or MILA KUNIS? Surely only one answer then you must be thinking. But did we forget to mention that said teddy bear is written and voiced by no other than comedy king Seth MacFarlane? Good thing really, else the film would finish in about twenty minutes.

But luckily for us, we are treated to 106 minutes of jokes about sex, farts, pop-culture and sluts. Very few of the gags don't work, most of which for us Britons will be the jokes concerning American and Bawstonian culture that we may not quite understand. But don't worry, there's plenty for all to enjoy here - even if you're not fan of MacFarlane's animated-sitcoms. Unless you're looking for an intelligent comedy which is high on dry humour or political satire, of course.

Everyone involved is completely dedicated to this, and play off of each other perfectly to create fantastic chemistry. Mark Wahlberg once again proves that he has comic chops in his first comedy performance since the flawed but still amusing 'The Other Guys'. He even re-visits his god-awful rap career when he reels off a ton of 'white-trash' names - definitely his greatest performance to date.

Kunis is solid as-usual (and so am I, 'snigger') as John's girlfriend Lori. However, she isn't given many opportunities to make us laugh; she's really just used as a narrative tool to create her man-child of a boyfriend's conundrum and to add to the surprising amount of heart and sweetness in the story. And Giovanni Ribisi's terrifyingly fucked up Ted-enthusiast offers some delirious fun, if not feeling a little too forced, swinging the final act of the film into completely different territory.

But it's the title-character who you've paid your money (or illegally downloaded) to see. Many have complained that the character is too similar to 'Family Guy's' Peter Griffin, but Ted is much more intelligent and witty. He is perfectly written and voiced by MacFarlane, with scintillating dialogue throughout. You'll end up wanting a stoner teddy bear to call your own.   
  

                                                 'Hello... is it me you're looking for?' ♫

With the amount of killer gags and possible show-stealing scenes, it will be impossible for most to pick their favourite moment. Whether it's a Bourne-esque hotel room brawl between Ted and John, Mark Wahlberg doing what he did best in his 'gangsta' days (and by that I mean punching a fat kid in the face) or arguably the greatest cameo ever - a coked up incarnation of the original Flash Gordon. With filthy dialogue such as 'I fucked her with a parsnip then sold it to a family with four small children', you'll be quoting from this to insult your mates for weeks to come. 

Overall, Ted looks great, with the filmmakers making full use of the same computer animation technology which was also used to create a creature a little less cute than the bear in the LOTR franchise. On this point alone, and also the little fact that roughly $50 million was trusted with him, the producers must have a lot of faith in MacFarlane to trust him in his feature film directorial debut. And with a promising take at the box office so far, he's set to be a sure thing when it comes to comedy in cinema, as well as animated television. Fans will be looking forward to see what else MacFarlane may have in store to assault the cinemas with in hopefully the not too distant future.

OVERVIEW: The odd joke falls flat, but luckily the gags come so thick and fast that the laughter quickly returns. Don't let a teddy bear fool you, Ted is definitely not a long lost brother of the 'Care Bears'. This is crude, offensive, silly, but absolutely hilarious - what would you expect from the comedy genius behind 'Family Guy' and 'American Dad'? This is definitely the funniest film of the summer, maybe even the year.
 ****

The Dark Knight Rises

'Oh boy, you are in for a show tonight, son!' 

                                              'I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!!!'

DIRECTOR: Christopher Nolan

CAST: John Connor (sorry for reminding you), Charles Bronson in a mask, the bitches diaries (I mean, 'princess'), Leo DiCaprio's dead wife, a young Bruce Willis, Austin Powers' FAHZA, Harry Potter's GodFAHZA and Morgan 'you're reading this in my voice' Freeman

PLOT: Eight years after Harvey Dent lost the plot and died as Two-Face in The Dark Knight, resulting in 'Bats' recieving the blame, Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) is hiding out in his manor. Crime rates are low in the city of Gotham, as everyone lives with the same bravery towards crime that was inspired by Dent, who is considered a hero. All that changes when a posh, built like a brick-shit-house, British nutcase (Tom Hardy) arrives in the city to fuck shit up - prompting the Dark Knight to rise.

As someone who likes to write reviews of films in their spare time, you could imagine my dismay of being quite speechless after seeing TDKR. Several days have passed since I sat through 164 mins of superheroic greatness, and I'm still struggling to put Christopher Nolan's latest slice of epicness into worthy words. I've came to the conclusion that no amount of words can do Nolan's Batman trilogy, quite possibly the greatest trilogy ever made (hopefully that will spark some debates), the justice that it deserves. 

Naturally, TDKR will constantly be compared to the often overlooked, but no less brilliant, Batman Begins, and the superhero film often regarded as the greatest one ever made in its genre, The Dark Knight. Comparing them is a fool's game. Each are amazing in their own rights, together, they have all contributed to making a near-perfect cinematic package. It would take a brave, brave nerd to step up and say which is the best of the three. Unfortunately, I'm a nerdy coward.

'But this is TDKR' I hear you cry! 'This isn't Batman Begins or The Dark Knight! Tell us what you thought of this, the final, instalment!' 

Well, just in case you hadn't already clocked on. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I liked it so much that if a film could have my babies, this will definitely make the shortlist (which shouldn't come as a surprise because I would gladly consider each one of Nolan's films for that prestigious honour.) 

As you may have noticed, I've dragged this introduction out for quite a distance now. That's because I'm struggling to decide where to start with my analysis. So I've decided to just dive into one of my favourite aspects of the film, and that is Hans Zimmer's glorious score - the same score that resulted in me growing a full chest of hair. Zimmer may as well have just repeatedly screamed the word 'EPIC!' at the audience for the film's duration, because that's exactly what it is. The music perfectly compliments every single scene, whether it's making you want to join in with a huge riot between the GCPD and Blackgate prisoners, or teaming-up with Michael Caine's masterful performance, beating the living shit out of your emotions.

                                              'Want to know the secret to a full head of hair?'

Arguably TDKR's biggest challenge was to improve on, or at least equal, the iconic villain portrayed by Heath Ledger - The Joker. I don't think Nolan could've come any closer. Where Hardy's Bane may not be quite as entertaining to watch, he definitely makes up for it by posing a danger the likes of Gotham has never seen before. Never has Batman been so overpowered, never has he been in so much trouble, never have we truly heard him scream in pain. This in itself makes Bane absolutely fucking terrifying. And as for the voice, all I can say is this - pay attention to what he is saying. It's not that difficult to understand him. CAN YOU HEAR ME?! If you are unfortunate enough to not understand what he is saying, well then, you're missing out on some crackingly sinister dialogue.     

As for the rest of the performances, with such a stellar cast, the film is in more than safe hands. Bale makes both a satisfying Bruce Wayne and Batman, wrapping up quite possibly the best ever portrayal of the caped crusader (sorry, Adam). Gordon-Levitt is a welcome newcomer as Commisioner Gordon's understudy, already an A-list star in the making. But a big shout out has to go out to Anne Hathaway for proving the doubters wrong by giving a brilliant performace as Catwoman/Selina Kyle. She's charasmatic, sexy, handles the action sequences confidently and did I forget to mention that she's really sexy? She almost steals the show with a hugely entertaining and intelligent scene in which she meets with John Daggett's right-hand man, Stryder, in a shady looking bar.

The film doesn't come without its nit-picky negative points though. The narrative, especially in the middle of the film, doesn't seem as tight as the films predecessors. Plus, much of the plot won't come as a massive surprise for comic book fans who were familiar with the franchise before the films - but then again, one of the posters does kind of give that particular inciting incident away. And some may even lament the running time, but it is just that good that you shouldn't give two squirts of bat-piss anyway.

OVERVIEW: I've just realised, in the time it has taken you to read this review, you could've probably watched the entire film. For that I apologise. But if you haven't seen it yet, well, then you must apologise to me. I urge anyone with a love of movies to see this film, even if you aren't a fan of the superhero genre, and/or think it has been overdone (but that opinion has been destroyed twice in this year alone), because this is cinematic brilliance. Not without it's very few minor weaknesses, but you won't notice them, because the positives outweigh them by several tonne. The action is that of an epic-scale (I'll try and stop using that word now), but one of the beautiful things about Nolan's Batman is that the films are often stronger in the more sensitive, emotional scenes. This is a more than satisying ending, an ending that I am sad has had to finally come, but an ending I am glad to see was just so damn epic (sorry!). I don't envy the poor bastard who has to reboot this.

* * * * *

Seeking a Friend For the End of the World

It's the end of the world as we know it, (and I feel fine)...

Fighting... urge.........to write... dirty euphemism!

DIRECTOR: Lorene Scafaria

CAST: The 40 year old virgin and the posh bitch from Pirates of the Caribbean (who. I. love!!! <3) 

PLOT: It's 3 weeks until the end of the world, prompting Dodge (Steve Carell) and Penny (Keira Knightley) to embark on a somewhat epic road trip in which they both attempt to tie off any loose ends in their lives full of failed romance.

It's a question which I would bet 99% of the western population has thought about - 'If you knew the world was ending, what would you do with your final days?' Whether it be score a fuck load of drugs, have lots of unprotected sex or punch everyone you've ever hated in the groin repeatedly, it's definitely fair to say that none of us would have the faintest idea what we would actually do, unless the terrible, yet inevitable situation, was to present itself.

In saying all this, one of the biggest importances to us mere humans, with our stupid emotions, seems to lie with deciding who we would want to spend our final moments with, not really caring what the activity is that you're doing with them. Come on, if you really wanted to go bungee jumping, you would've done it by now, wouldn't you?

Most people's ideal person to spend their last days with wouldn't be with Steve Carell's fantastically underplayed Dodge, which is exactly the reason why the opening is simply a brilliant, prone shot of his wife fleeing away from him as if he was rapist, whilst the camera lingers on him blankly staring out of his car window, having just heard on the radio that the end is nigh. However, despite not arguably making the most of the end of the world, you can't help but have a massive amount of respect for Dodge as he turns down sex with his obnoxious best friend's MILF of a wife and free heroin all in one night. He just gets on with it in his own sad way, refusing to play along with party guests as they all go around the table and explain to one another how they're going to spend their last days, with bland answers down the lines of eating what you want without feeling guilty. Instead he goes to work. He watches TV. He buys more cleaning product for his stereotypically Mexican cleaner...
 
That is until he meets Keira Knightley's pot smoking, quirk-riddled 'Penny' of course, who gets some cracking dialogue from a strong script; a beautful example being when she replies to Dodge's invitation into his home - 'I won't break anything if you don't rape me.' Penny would be most people's ideal friend for the end, (not because of that, you perv!), simply because she's impulsive, bubbly and a little bit weird. Ultimately, Knightley shows a surprising talent for comedy, thrusting herself head-first into the role, seemingly having alot of fun along the way as she finds chemistry with her A-list co-star from the first meeting. The unlikely duo are relied on heavily to carry a film with very minor bit-part characters ranging from a surprise meeting with Uncle Ben to an adorable dog, (because every indie flick needs a pet).

However, the film's pace slows very soon after a fun scene at a restaurant called 'Friendsie's' ('Where everyone's your friend!'), as Lorene Scafaria begins to send the friend-seeking pair to some bland destinations, such as Penny's survivalist-ex-boyfriend's house, that should deliver a lot more laughs. As Scafaria's narrative begins to get lost, so do the characters, and we are reduced to listen to tedious conversations about how much they regret the fact that they've lived better lives in their final days when compared to the rest of their insignificant lives. Luckily, the two leads are so likable, they just about keep our attention until the gut-wrenching final scenes.

The first-time director shows promise and confidence as her film follows Dodge and Penny trying to deal with global annihilation in their own screwed up way. As you'd imagine from Scafaria, the talent responsible for adapting Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, she makes damn-well sure that this film has an enjoyably kick-ass soundtrack. Songs such as The Beach Boy's 'Wouldn't It Be Nice' and The Hollies' 'The Air That I breathe' compliment the darkly comedic vibe nicely. Plus, the bittersweet ending will stick with you, it's nice to see Scafaria doesn't pussy-out of the inevitable conclusion, when so many other filmmakers would have forced a way.

OVERVIEW: If you liked 'Melancholia, well... let's just say you might not definitely like this. This is an end-of-the-world film for romantics and people who just want a friend. It might not be laugh-out-loud funny or the ultimate tearjerker, but it is overly satisfying. I was glad to spend an unconventionally upbeat end of the world with Dodge and Penny... 2012, hit me with your best shot!
 ***