It has three tits, but it still feels like there is something missing.
DIRECTOR: Len Wiseman
CAST: Bullseye (try to forget), Hot vampire from 'Underworld', Hot vampire-hunter from 'Blade: Trinity', Meth dealing cancer patient, Davy Jones and Barrack Obama's face on future money
PLOT: Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) lives a mundane life - residing in a mega-city known as 'The Colony' where it rains more than the average British summer (which is strange because 'The Colony' is what we know today as 'Australia') and working in a factory all day building faceless robots only to go home to his wife, who is no other than Kate Beckinsale... yeah, I don't know what he's moaning about either. Anyway, to make this 'shitty' lifestyle a tad more interesting, he pays a visit to shady company 'Rekall' to have fake memories implanted into his brain so that he feels as if he has lived his wildest fantasy. But are the memories really fake?
Ahhh character study, something that Len Wiseman seems unable to grasp. He made two 'Underworld' films, both of which regards shallow stories and characters. And he made the fourth 'Die Hard'; well we all know 'John McClane' by now, 'let's just play up the fact that he's getting too old to be shot at and call that character development, shall we?' - (Unofficial quote by Len Wiseman). But, even though I'm criticising him, I must concede that the director sure in hell can make a fun popcorn movie. Besides, compare his work to anything from Michael Bay and all of a sudden you've got characters who are as well-thought out as people who have jumped straight out of a Woody Allen film.
I suppose that's why he chose to remake 'Total Recall', (not Woody Allen, Len Wiseman), which was coincidentally firstly adapted from a short story by Phillip K. Dick anyway. We all know the characters from the 22 year old original, so they may as well just make some awesome action scenes, shoot them in slow-motion and literally defy gravity. And they are damn right impressive to say the least.
The tracks and pans are always adventurous when the futuristic bullets are flying. And when the editor isn't having a seizure and the cuts are slowed down, that's when it becomes a real visual treat. In fact, anyone that has seen the trailer at their local cinemas are probably familiar with the short, but no less impressive sequence, which shows 'Quaid' dispose of a number of masked authority-men in the 'Rekall' building, all in one zig-zagging shot.
But when the film isn't being smothered in slow-motion, it is hindered by the poor structure, the scenes jump around too quickly, giving actors barely a second to... well, act. Sometimes it would really benefit by really slowing down, and not just so we can see people being shot in a quarter of the time that it would usually take.
Unfortunately, at times you will feel as if the action, and the exciting chase sequences which is exactly how a 'Bourne' movie set in the future would look, are the only real things going for the film. And because of the lack of character development and a weak script, you couldn't really give a fuck about 'Quaid' (now known as "Hauser") and the revolutionaries trying to overthrow Bryan Cranston's pantemime-like-villan's empire. This is also partially due to the painfully underused 'Mathias', portrayed by Bill Nighy, who incidentally doesn't look anywhere near as freakishly awesome as the mutant 'Kuato' from the original. In fact, the lack of mutants on a whole in this adaptation is disappointing, apart from the iconic three-boobed hooker, but you only get to see her cans for no longer than a split second. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
You might argue that Colin Farrell's agent is instantly more engaging than the original 'Quaid'/'Hauser', as portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger (I didn't have to Google his name to spell it correctly, I'm so proud.) This incarnation of Total Recall does instantly have the upper hand because it does actually star a man who can act, in the likable and all of a sudden hench-as-fuck form of that stereotypically violent Irish guy who all the girls like. But then again, it still doesn't star Arnie, who makes every movie that he appears in that bit more ludicrously fun, despite possessing the acting qualities of a wardrobe. A very big fucking wardrobe.
Despite Farrell being likable and showing reliable action chops, it is Beckinsale as his pretend-wife turned psycho-bitch agent for the 'UFB' that steals the show. She makes what is a much more serious take on the classic science-fiction tale a lot more light-hearted and fun, with her insane and dangerous smile which is still surprisingly sexy. She somehow manages to make poor lines such as 'You haven't even begun to see me try to kill you' passable, with dialogue which will otherwise make you want to stuff boiling hot nails into your ears. The action is exuberantly more exciting when she is trying to kill Farrell and Biel when compared to the faceless robots or the masked soldiers.
Oh yes, I almost forgot, what with all this interest in Kate Beckinsale's 'Lori' - Jessica Biel plays the part of 'Melina'. It's refreshing this action movie has women that can kick some serious ass, instead of just clinging onto the back of a motorcycle screaming - (yes, I'm looking at you, 'The Bourne Legacy'). But even so, she is still in Beckinsale's glorious shadow. 'Melina's' main talent seems to be explaining things to the forgetful 'Quaid' when he finally stops dashing around asking everybody who he is to finally catch a well needed breath.
The fact of the matter is though, underneath the terrific action, the wonderful effects and the astonishing look of ' The Colony' with all of it's multi-layered poverty stricken locations which would be what I imagine a 22nd century Rio De Janeiro would look like, which is obviously influenced by 'Blade Runner's' dystopian Los Angeles, there is very little heart. It packs the emotional punch of a love letter written by Anders Breivik (actually that's unfair, he might actually be a charming gentleman... shame on me). This is all highlighted by the disappointing final showdown between Farrell and Cranston, which is like watching an angry Irish man beating up a pensioner.
Many fans of the original expecting something similar should definitely steer clear, as apart from the story, there is very little that stays the same. It has lost the political satire which was the beating undercurrent of Paul Verhoeven's work - brilliant scripts which had humour and heart. It has lost the body horror and the ultra-violence to cater to the 21st century '12A audience'. It has lost the sense of mystery, 'Quaid' hardly questions whether what he's experiencing is real or fake, so neither do we. But most unfortunately, it has lost the iconic images. Arnold's gurning in-pain face as he is strapped up to the 'Rekall' chair will forever be burnt into our memories. There is very little that we will recall from this.
OVERVIEW: Throughout the whole review, I've been torn as to whether this deserves two or three stars. If I did half stars, it would be two and a half, but I don't, because I'm fearless. Whilst the action is often incredible, it is not enough to put this in the same league as the original. Although, had it not been a remake of a film, which in the grand scheme of things wasn't really made all that long ago, this might have just been worthy of three stars, because there is certainly fun to be had here. But I'm a harsh bastard. Anyone who's not familiar with Total Recall at all, discover Verhoeven's first.
**
Hello Alaskans! For some reason the majority of my blog's traffic seems to be coming from Alaska, now coincidentally my new favourite place. (I'm just imagining penguins and seals using computers to access my blogs, but then people come out of nowhere and club them over the back of the head).
To anyone who is a regular reader of Realistic Reviews, I thank you. To anyone who is a new comer, I welcome you. Alaskan or not, of course.
I enjoy writing film reviews, just in case you hadn't realised. However, I'm always looking to improve and I'm always interested as to whether or not people agree with my verdicts or *GASP* disagree. So, if you like what you're reading, any comments would be appreciated. Even if you dislike what you're reading, comments will still be appreciated, as there's nothing I enjoy more than a good film debate with a random stranger on the internet.
Once again, I thank you, and hope to hear from some of you soon!
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