The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2D 24 fps)

An unexpected masterpiece...

                                          'One Direction' looking considerably less fake...

DIRECTOR: Peter Jackson

CAST: The best one from 'The Office', Mag-fucking-neto, Morris Armitage, the previously annoying Irish actor who seems to be in EVERYTHING, Doctor Who, Queen Elizabeth I, Old Bilbo, Count Dooku, Megatron, King Kong, the cannibal from 'Sin City' and a fuck load of dwarves!

PLOT: Based on J. R. R. Tolkien's well-loved novel, 'The Hobbit', who goes by the name of 'Bilbo Baggins', has his arm twisted by a big wizard and a group of dwarves, blackmailed essentially, to join them on a big adventure to kill a dragon and reclaim the dwarves home. Poor guy.

I really don't know why people, my stupid self included, continue to doubt the undeniable genius that is Peter Jackson. 'Lord of the Ring is unfilmable!' they cried, 'King Kong shouldn't be remade, you hairy prick!' they bellowed. He not only silences the doubters, he slaps their foolish faces, the cynics have to leave the cinema with their tails between their legs. I was one of those cynics. The only difference is, I'm too much of a douche to feel like an idiot. I had a big grin on my face as I left the cinema as I recalled the images of one of the best cinematic experiences of the year.

I'm not going to get into the debate about the higher frame rate business as I saw it in good old fashioned 24 fps. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the idea of a higher frame rate. Quite the contrary actually; if I had it my way I would have seen 'The Hobbit' in IMAX 3D with the higher frame rate out of curiosity, the whole shebang - as Peter Jackson intended it to be seen. But I'm at my parents' home for Christmas, and their local cinema doesn't have IMAX or the option to see films with the higher frame rate. In fact, their local cinema only has two screens, one of which is about the size of your living room. That's right folks, my parents live in Middle-earth. I'm not complaining though, it only costs £3 to see a film there. So with that in mind, I will focus on 'The Hobbit' for what it is - a film. 

And as far as films go, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the latest holiday advertisement for Middle-earth is one of my favourite films of the year. Many thought that by adapting 'The Hobbit' into three films, which isn't that long of a novel, was a sort of cash-grab by the makers. Even though I've never read the novel, it seemed plausible. I've seen the novel on shelves, it wouldn't exactly be considered thick. But Jackson has told us all time and time again that it was a creative choice to drag the novel over three films, and long films at that. Now I've seen the first of three, I do believe that Mr. Jackson was telling the truth. It's not as if he needs the money, is it?

This is because 'The Hobbit' never gets boring. During the expositional opening sequences which are accompanied by voiceover to tell us the X Factor sob story of how the downtrodden dwarves had their home repossessed by a posh dragon, I thought that this journey was going to be overlong and make my arse ache. But once the story stopped dwelling on the past (don't get me wrong, though - it was needed to set the story) the film was an exciting tale on every level imaginable which will make you believe that you're a dwarf on the journey as well, even without the 3D - the sign of a great film and an amazing story that has stood the test of time.

                                                         'This is some good shit.'

Everything fits - the pacing is well done, it plods along nicely to get some character backstory in The Shire, but once the journey begins, the set-pieces and epic locations come and go quickly, but not so much that you feel disoriented. The action scenes are some of the best you will see all year. Everyone involved display action chops, with stand out sequences against trolls and goblins. More than once did the hairs on my arms stand up and my spine tingled in exhilaration. And the special effects do justice to the budget, making Middle-earth and its inhabitants (notably the Great Goblin) looking better than ever.

The new characters introduced to Middle-earth are all welcome. Every dwarf (apart from maybe the one with the axe stuck in his head) gets a lot to do, and has their moments to shine. Richard Armitage is the chief dwarf, and he gives a strong performance as the little hard bastard with a stiff-upper lip.

Martin Freeman is perfectly cast as the titular character (something I don't think anyone ever doubted). Freeman's uncanny blend of self-depreciation and sarcasm suits the character well to get some laughs from the adults as the dwarves will most probably garner laughs from the young.

Although, Ian McKellen, a joy to watch in every single thing he appears in, threatens to steal the show. His screen presence demands your attention. His voice echoes when he shouts orders to the dwarves, making dialogue like 'FIGHT!' and 'RUN!' seem more epic than imaginable, it's impossible not to feel strong surges of emotion. 
  
The only other character competing to be the most memorable would be, you guessed it, Andy Serkis' Gollum. He is as terrifying as ever, and Serkis once again successfuly strains to prove that performance capture is just as important as live action perfomances, and maybe even more demanding. It can't be easy to act whilst dressed in a wet suit covered in stickers. The scene where Bilbo and Gollum trade riddles is enticing and full of suspense, even though you know how it will inevitably end.

Don't be put off my the doubters. Give it a go, and if you do take a chance on the higher frame rate, and it does prove to be a shitty gimmick, just take solace in the fact that this is an amazing story told in a cinematically beautiful way. Now excuse me, while I go and revisit Middle-earth with the LOTR trilogy.

* * * * ½

Skyfall

An old bint dies... apparently the Queen's parachute failed at the Olympics Opening Ceremony.

                                       Just another addition to the long list of foreigners for James Bond to kill

DIRECTOR: Sam Mendes

CAST: The less enthralling 'Mikael Blomkvist', 'M' for morbid, the Academey's boyfriend, Volde'M'ort, amazingly hot woman #1, amazingly hot woman #2, hipster!

PLOT: 'Silva' (Bardem) breaches the MI6 on the latest installation of Internet Explorer, but it turns out that his motivations are a lot more personal than anyone expected. Someone needs to come and save the day! Enter 'Bond'... 'James Bond'. 

(Beware, SPOILERS ahead!)

Muahaha! My plan has worked perfectly! Everyone went to see this as soon as it had been released, thus reader's had no idea which reviews to read! And now all the hype is over, MY review will stand out and I will get hundreds and hundreds of views! *Maniacal laugh... maniacal laugh...*

Or people will have already made their own mind up on 'Skyfall' and not give two squirts of piss about this.

Swings and roundabouts...

Anyway, the real reasons that it has taken me almost 2 months to see 'Skyfall' is because I'm a piss poor student and couldn't afford it for ages, and I'm not really a huge 'Bond' fan. Prior to this, the only 'James Bond' film that I have truly enjoyed was the exceptional 'Casino Royale', and whereas I don't hate 'Quantum of Solace' quite as mercilessly as most, it still is a weak, humourless film with a muddled plot. So, after seeing 'Quantum', I could be forgiven for prematurely believing that 'Casino Royale' was the only 'Bond' film for me.

Now, I didn't want to get stuck explaining as to why I hate pre-Daniel Craig 'Bond' so much, but I guess I have to touch on some points in order to justify why Daniel Craig 'Bond' films are the best ever.

Firstly, I'm not the most patriotic person in Britain. I couldn't give a shit about the Olympics, national pride and all that lark. So you'll excuse me if I'm never filled with nostalgia when 'James' punches a foreign dude in the face.

Secondly, anyone who has ever played the world famous secret agent prior to Daniel Craig, is in my opinion (bracing myself for a backlash of hatred), poor. I hate everything Pierce Brosnan has ever been in, apart from 'Mars Attacks', and that's only because he loses his head. And frankly, I think Sean Connery is overrated. Any actor who cannot correctly pronounce their 'S'' isn't going to get much love from me. And there's no need to get me started on the other four.

But it's not just the actors who I can't get along with, it's also the style of classic '007' movies. Cars have never appealed to me, so I quite enjoyed the car being flipped in 'Casino Royale'. I prefer realism, so exploding pens and invisible cars have never appealed to me. And, believe it or not, racism and sexism has never appealed to me either.

No wonder why I've always preferred 'Austin Powers'.

'Skyfall' doesn't rely on any of these things. There's no reliance on cars apart from the classic Aston Martin (at least I think it was an Aston Martin, I can never be too sure). Ben Whisaw was great as 'Q' and the young actor wasn't overshadowed by a stong supporting cast (despite looking like the world's biggest hipster), his quip about exploding pens encapsulated my feelings about daft gadgets. I've always preferred the gadgets in the 'Mission: Impossible' franchise if I'm being honest.

Although, 'Bond' could still be argued as being both a little bit racist and sexist - all the villains are foreginers, but at least everything isn't blamed on the Russian's now. Plus, 'Silva' used to work for MI6 apparently, so the Brits have to take some of the blame. And yes, 'Bond... James Bond', still fucks anything with a pulse, and even at one point suggests that it may not have always been straight experiences (modernism, bitches). And where I do believe that 'Bond's' lack of empathy for the death of 'Sévérine' was ill-contrived due to the fact that only a mere two scenes before 'Bond' had fucked her in the shower, showing 'Bond' a distinct lack of humanity. But at least now he has an excuse. This is the first 'Bond' where we find out about his past, his childhood, his backstory. He can now play the orphan card and lack of parent figures in his life for his poor treatment of the opposite sex - for the first time, he has an excuse for being a prick. So now, for the first time, I have an excuse to like him without feeling like a bad person.

But away from all of the politics and correctness, 'Skyfall' is a solid film from the get-go. The pre-credit sequence is exciting, dangerous and has the Great dry British sense of humour, one of the very few good things we have produced. The opening titles are stylistically beautiful, Adele's track compliments it perfectly, and I only realised after the film that the visuals shown was actually the complete narrative. The action sequences are brilliant, and the cinematography is often amazing from Roger Deakins.

But what I was most impressed with was the outstanding supporting cast. Judi Dench is given a lot more to do as 'M'. Ralph Fiennes is a joy to watch in whatever he's in. Albert Finney was fun and he could pronounce his 'S'' with no difficulty. I'm not a big fan of Naomie Harris but she looks good, so 'who cares this is a 'Bond' film' is what I'm supposed to say.

Yet for me, Javier Bardem not only steals the show, he creates it. His introduction is sinister. His means of destruction is modern through the world of cyber-terrorism. His intentions are clear and actually realistic when compared to past 'Bond' villains. His backstory is more than interesting, I'd happily watch a whole film just about 'Silva'.

Although, I can't help but think - is 2012 the year in which all villains want to be caught?

Daniel Craig is starting to prove to me that he is a brilliant actor as well. I've always considered him hit and miss, but I hope he takes this into a run of consistency. His humour mixed with the grit works perfectly for modern day audiences.

Oh, I almost forgot what I dislike most about pre-Craig 'Bond'. The fact that you know how every single one of them is going to end. He'll never die, he'll save the day, he'll fuck a hot chick, etc. But Daniel Craig does seriously come across as the first 'James Bond' that might actually die. He's believable in the face of danger. This is the first 'Bond' film that could ever be spoilt.

I didn't exit the cinema feeling as overwhelmed as most due to the tragic finale. The reason for this is because a couple of weeks ago in one of my lectures some stupid person blurted out 'M's' demise. Although, had she kept her mouth shut, I might have been shocked along with the rest of the audience. Had the ending not being ruined for me, perhaps 'Skyfall' would have earned five stars.

If the next 50 years of 'Bond' can live up to both this, and 'Casino Royale', then maybe, just maybe, I'll start giving a toss about Aston Martin's.

* * * * ½