The Expendables 2

The funniest film of the year!

                                                     'My dad's bigger than your dad!'

DIRECTOR: Simon West

CAST: Rambo's face melting, Monk, 'Dragoooooooo!', Coors Light's marketing bitch, Joseph Gordon-Levitt in the future, 'Buffy the white girl slayer', maid-loving Terminator, cauliflower ears, 'philanthropist' Norris - really?, some random Chinese woman, 'philanthropist' Li - since when did all these violent bastards become peaceful?! and Thor's little brother (not Loki)...

PLOT: It's the second mission for the gun-toting OAP's known as The Expendables, this time they're beating the shit out of the Chinese for the first act, and then a bunch of Eastern-Europeans for the rest of the film who are led by a very tired looking JCVD who's just nicked an unrealistic amount of plutonium.

Unneccessarily violent, guns bigger than your car, testosterone poisoning, a little bit racist and slightly sexist - who else but The Expendables? A group of mercenaries who are almost as responsible as 'Team America' when it comes to travelling the world to destroy exotic, foreign locations in the name of the west. But despite all of this, the 80s styled 'gung-ho!' action-packed cheese-fest is a whole lot of nonsensical fun!

Anyone who wants a 50 caliber blast from the past is in for a treat. The ancient ensemble cast might be moving a bit slower than they used to, but that doesn't detract from the entertainment, quite the opposite actually, as the action-heroes delightfully take the barely living piss out of themselves in light-hearted self-depreciating humour.

As far as the cast goes, action fans can't ask really ask for anything more. Anyone who liked the first film will be pleased to see that both Schwarzenegger and Willis are given a lot more screen time than one scene, they actually get to shoot something in this installment! Unfortunately Jet Li isn't used as much, leaving the film after about twenty minutes for some stupid reason (a reason probably to be revealed in the inevitable third outing). Also, the strange bromance between Stallone and Statham is starting to get a bit old, what with them constantly threatening to shoot or stab one another - I wish they'd just fight already!

As for the newcomers, it seems as Hemsworth has been inducted to the team to add some emotional force to the 'acting' talents, but that falls flat on its face, perhaps he's the less-talented sibling then? In fact, the biggest problem for The Expendables is when they try to make us feel. If they wanted to keep some acting talent within the vicinity, then they should have managed to get pretty-boy Mickey Rourke back for more. With no due respect, none of them can act. Well, not in this film anyway. Besides, that's not what audiences have paid to see! I paid to see how many different ways these steroid abused men can kill people.

                                             JCVD really wanted his cocaine- erm, I mean, Coors Light back...

And for all you female viewers out there, never fear, as a lady has joined the party. Yu Nan, a Chinese actress, has been added to the line-up to bring some woman bad-assery. She might be a good shot, although the only thing that tends to stick with you afterwards is that she has some creepy flirtation with Sly going on, despite him being over double her age. Oh, and how could I forget! She stops some Albanian women from shooting the mercenaries, despite them not being able to hit a cows arse with a banjo - told you it was slightly sexist. So, just in case you hadn't noticed, THIS IS NOT FOR GIRLS! I joke of course, but they don't...

Though the best new edition is arguably the 72 year old Norris, who get's into the self-referncing spirit of things by reciting an exclusive 'Chuck Norris Fact'. I won't spoil it for you, because it is quite possibly one of the funniest tongue-in-cheek entrances to an ensemble cast ever. The giant Swede, Lundgren, seems to be competing with him to see who can be the worst actor, and consequently, the funniest character, by 'chatting up' Nan or pretending to be a genius in chemistry. Rather cute, actually.
 
The film on a whole fails when it tries to take itself seriously. But when it's in full-flow, with it's dated, but still kind of cool soundtrack, cheese-smothered dialogue: 'I now pronounce you man and knife' and postmodern theme running all the way through, with references to both Rambo and The Terminator, it's difficult not to have a great time. Just try to ignore the direlogue that sometimes falls flat on its face, for example, Sly claims that Statham's ego is the 'size of a dinosaur' - yeah, you heard that correctly. Plus the editing can sometimes be disorientating and the cinematography at times sloppy. But The Expendables aren't looking for perfection. It seems that they just want to be remembered. And fondly remembered they will be.

OVERVIEW: If you've entered the cinema with your brain turned on, then you're doing it wrong. Instead, enter with low expectations, and if you're not an idiot, at least try to be one for the next 103 minutes. That way, there's a fair chance you could actually enjoy yourself. It won't be winning any Academy Awards, but I wouldn't rule it out for any comedy awards, because this film is not just exciting, it's also utterly hilarious. It might not be the best action film of the year so far either (that title goes to 'The Raid'), but The Expendables 2 works best when it isn't taking itself seriously - which thankfully, is most of the time. Most of these men can't keep it up for much longer, so enjoy it while it lasts.

***   

Ted

Beary funny... sorry.

                                     Pedobear looking frighteningly more realistic than usual
  
DIRECTOR: Seth MacFarlane
 
CAST: Marky Mark, Peter Griffin, Meg Griffin, Hollywood's 226th Scientologist, a gay Joe Swanson

PLOT: A loner child in 'BAWSTON' wishes for his teddy bear to come to life. The only problem is, Johnny (Mark Wahlberg) has to grow up, and so does apparently, his new best friend. Soon enough, Johnny has to choose between his sweary, pot smoking, whore loving bear or a crazily-hot girlfriend who wants a ring on her finger (Mila Kunis).

From reading the above plot, there shouldn't be any question - a teddy bear or MILA KUNIS? Surely only one answer then you must be thinking. But did we forget to mention that said teddy bear is written and voiced by no other than comedy king Seth MacFarlane? Good thing really, else the film would finish in about twenty minutes.

But luckily for us, we are treated to 106 minutes of jokes about sex, farts, pop-culture and sluts. Very few of the gags don't work, most of which for us Britons will be the jokes concerning American and Bawstonian culture that we may not quite understand. But don't worry, there's plenty for all to enjoy here - even if you're not fan of MacFarlane's animated-sitcoms. Unless you're looking for an intelligent comedy which is high on dry humour or political satire, of course.

Everyone involved is completely dedicated to this, and play off of each other perfectly to create fantastic chemistry. Mark Wahlberg once again proves that he has comic chops in his first comedy performance since the flawed but still amusing 'The Other Guys'. He even re-visits his god-awful rap career when he reels off a ton of 'white-trash' names - definitely his greatest performance to date.

Kunis is solid as-usual (and so am I, 'snigger') as John's girlfriend Lori. However, she isn't given many opportunities to make us laugh; she's really just used as a narrative tool to create her man-child of a boyfriend's conundrum and to add to the surprising amount of heart and sweetness in the story. And Giovanni Ribisi's terrifyingly fucked up Ted-enthusiast offers some delirious fun, if not feeling a little too forced, swinging the final act of the film into completely different territory.

But it's the title-character who you've paid your money (or illegally downloaded) to see. Many have complained that the character is too similar to 'Family Guy's' Peter Griffin, but Ted is much more intelligent and witty. He is perfectly written and voiced by MacFarlane, with scintillating dialogue throughout. You'll end up wanting a stoner teddy bear to call your own.   
  

                                                 'Hello... is it me you're looking for?' ♫

With the amount of killer gags and possible show-stealing scenes, it will be impossible for most to pick their favourite moment. Whether it's a Bourne-esque hotel room brawl between Ted and John, Mark Wahlberg doing what he did best in his 'gangsta' days (and by that I mean punching a fat kid in the face) or arguably the greatest cameo ever - a coked up incarnation of the original Flash Gordon. With filthy dialogue such as 'I fucked her with a parsnip then sold it to a family with four small children', you'll be quoting from this to insult your mates for weeks to come. 

Overall, Ted looks great, with the filmmakers making full use of the same computer animation technology which was also used to create a creature a little less cute than the bear in the LOTR franchise. On this point alone, and also the little fact that roughly $50 million was trusted with him, the producers must have a lot of faith in MacFarlane to trust him in his feature film directorial debut. And with a promising take at the box office so far, he's set to be a sure thing when it comes to comedy in cinema, as well as animated television. Fans will be looking forward to see what else MacFarlane may have in store to assault the cinemas with in hopefully the not too distant future.

OVERVIEW: The odd joke falls flat, but luckily the gags come so thick and fast that the laughter quickly returns. Don't let a teddy bear fool you, Ted is definitely not a long lost brother of the 'Care Bears'. This is crude, offensive, silly, but absolutely hilarious - what would you expect from the comedy genius behind 'Family Guy' and 'American Dad'? This is definitely the funniest film of the summer, maybe even the year.
 ****